State of Grace

Last night I Googled something harmless and non-sexual, and one of the results that popped up was for a new, improved sexual purity test. And I'm human . . .

And I scored an 82%. You'd think that's pretty pure, huh? Pretty much to be expected with my Decade Drought. Yeah, it's about what I expected.

The sad part is that the AVERAGE score is an 85%. So I'm 3% nastier than the average person. Which says three possible things. Either

• America is a pretty effin' dull place, or
• The average person is too busy having sex to take sexual purity tests, or
• Purity tests are only taken by hormone-hyped but inexperienced teenagers

Still, 3% nastier. Hmm.

Makes me feel better about myself.

Not Dismal in Dallas

It's raining inside, and by tomororw evening we're supposed to have sleet and snow. My fingers are crossed that we get that wonderful wintry mix tonight, and have to cancel school tomorrow.

Oh, I need a day off!!! I think the entire campus needs a day off. Even the most invterate teachers are complaining about how draining the semester has been. We all need a legal, unplanned vacation. A time to turn off the cell phone and hole up with the television and hot chocolate.

I want to spend tomorrow watching Desperate Housewives, and maybe (maybe) clean my living room since I'm maybe throwing a dinner party in a few weeks. And I also need to study for the Algebra test. DAMN IT -- reality is intruding already, and I don't even know if we're going to cancel classes.

I miss just being. No responsibilities.

That's one of the things I liked best about R. He could make me forget all that, or at least remember how important it all isn't. I thought one day we could curl up together and watch a season's worth of DVDs.

DAMN IT -- I'm not supposed to spend any more time on him.

Might as well clean the living room now, and get it over with.

Dietary Fate

Trying to 1) waste time and 2) distract myself from this boringly healthy meal I'm eating. I decided, based on motivations I don't understand, to see what kind of crap people have written about diets and horoscopes. This is what they said about me:

Sagittarius is the sign of big dreams, expansion, and living large, and people with planets in Sagittarius (Aquarian Oprah Winfrey has her moon there) literally hunger for adventure and knowledge. When that need is not met, a fine thin-crusted pizza will do, thank you very much.

Damn, that's funny. I'll bet the same can be said of other people with different signs, too.

Must actually work, and quit surfing!!

Wind Shift

One of my co-workers is quitting to consult full-time. I'm not surprised -- he's always been miserable here -- but at the same time I'm sad because I think he's an asset to the school. Or he could be if he would change his attitude.

He's just a little wet behind the ears, still. From what I've seen he snaps at people who could help him, he ignores the things he should pay attention to, and tries to change the things he doesn't have enough influence to even vote on. And he's grumpy. People actually call him "that grumpy guy in IT."

Knowing he's leaving (and knowing some of his reasons since our paper-thin walls force me to be an unwitting party to every phone call he makes) have persuaded me to once again examine how satisfied I am with my job.

One of his chief beliefs, based on his phone conversation, is that work and personal life are two separate domains of existence. He seems to feel those of us who let our work become part of our lives are somehow less efficient workers.

This belief is highly repugnant to me. I think a balance is key, and I also think partnerships in a work environment are stronger if there are personal friendships backing the partnership. Of course I'm biased because there really isn't a whole lot in my personal life. I don't mind taking an hour in the day to have a social lunch with a co-worker, and to make up that "lost" hour in the evening after traditional work hours.

I do know to do my job well (which is questionable this semester) I have to push myself harder than the job requires. I have to commit to being the best, not just being "good enough."

I have to love the job.

If that isn't personal I don't know what is.

Cleans Up Good

So much for a relaxing Thanksgiving. The day itself was a huge rush of activity from start to finish, so I spent Friday recovering in bed. Then I spent Saturday frenetically shopping. And today I've been recovering from all the shopping, in hopes of being somewhat able to function at work tomorrow.

The Easy-Bake party went well. The kids enjoyed every second of it. Thanksgiving itself was fun, even if we did have technical issues that muddled some of our plans. I think my sisters and I needed this -- a Thanksgiving so laid back that everyone started eating while I was making a quick trip to Wal-Mart. I loved how informal everything was, and how no one stressed anything.

Saturday started off at Fair Park, looking through their usual overcrowded antique show. I bought my iPod, and that kept me from going into shopping withdrawal quite as quickly. I was looking for a chair for my bedroom, and I noticed a nice white vinyl mid-century chair in a booth on the very first row, but I didn't even ask about it. Didn't really want white, and I thought maybe I could do better. Later, after I had crawled the entire show and came up empty-handed, I went back to the booth and took a second look. It was a Milo Braughman chair, and while I recognized the designer's name I couldn't pair it with any particular design. It was a little dirty, and possibly discolored, but the price was right -- $60 -- so I bought it.

At the end of a very long day Dad carried the chair into my house and dropped it on the living room floor. Mom and I both exclaimed "Ooooooo!" That Cinderella chair just needed the right environment to really shine. Wow. It looks fantastic in my living room. A little Tilex cleaned up the vinyl, and this lovely beauty is now sitting pretty in the corner, decorated with a bright green cushion.

My ultra-comfortable brown chair is now in my bedroom, where it will stay until I upgrade to something else.

I am laughing about one aspect -- this chair, upholstered in poor-white-trash vinyl, makes the rest of my furniture look cheap. Of course I know vinyl was really the thing at the time, and it didn't really get its cheap rap until the late 60s, but still . . . vinyl? A sophisticated vinyl chair?

Also talked Mom and Dad into going to Ikea. I love that store, but it's super-exhausting. Mom has never made it through the entire sales floor. She always gives out after the children's section.

I spent about two hours on the showroom floor, and then spent additional time in the "marketplace" area. I really over-spent, but I know it would be at least another year before I could get anyone with a truck to go through this experience, and I fully intended to take advantage of the truck!

I walked out with

• Table and chairs for the breakfast room (finally!!!!)
• Six different light fixtures
• A set of orange curtains
• A pair of turquoise blue funnels

And a considerably lighter debit card.

I'm going to hopefully put the table and chairs together tomorrow. I just didn't have enough strength today.

I'm throwing a small dinner party/meeting for my adjuncts after finals so we can talk about what happened this semester with the new curriculum. This will force me to clean house for the next two weeks, something that needs to be done, but which happily won't be the cleaning endurance race my last party was.

My weekend goal was to clean the living room, but that didn't happen. I'm settling for finding a permanent location to store my Easy-Bake stuff. And to maybe start moving R's stuff off the top of my bookcases. Maybe. After all, it's 10:25 now, and I still have to go to the grocery store.

Not Wearing

Don't worry -- very much a PG-13 enrty. I've been watching a What Not To Wear marathon, and have decided to throw out my season-inappropriate black sandal slingbacks this weekend. I wear them everywhere because I don't want blisters. And I have really huge calluses on my feet. Bad combination. I've known it, but have been in denial.

I want an evening dress for the holidays. (sigh.) And not just any dress. I want something in lighter-than-apple green, with beading. Or maybe something in teal, or smoke blue. ANYTHING but black or blue. And of course what are all the large-size manufacturers carrying for fat women? You guessed it -- black and blue. And the occasional wrong-for-me red.

This is abut the stupidest thing I could possibly buy. I don't have anywhere to wear an evening dress, and no one to impress.

Sadly, common sense isn't doing much for me right now. I've spent 45 minutes at Zaftique, bemoaning their uninspired color palette. I love the dresses, but honestly, those awful blues! And the shocking pinks! Even their purples are wrong. I don't think I've ever seen such horrible color selections anywhere.

I have dress-disorder so badly that I'm thinking of ordering a white satin $150 bridesmaid dress from Lane Bryant and dyeing it something more brilliant. Smart, huh? Buy an expensive dress, and ruin it in a dye bath.

I'll probably settle for Zaftique. Buy something that fits and is flattering, but with dead-as-a-doorstop color. Something I could wear to work without anyone even blinking. Something sad.

Happy Birthday To Me

The more I think about this the better it sounds. I need a date coach. I need someone who can clearly see my shortcomings and my good points, and who can help me keep perspective. I suck at perspective. Someone who can give me the criticism I need, and help me make this all work.

E would be good at this, but 1) why would he want to do this? and 2) is this the kind of thing I want to push on a friend? There are probably professionals out there somewhere. Modern matchmakers, like in that Failure to Launch movie. There has to be someone out there who can help me accomplish what I want to do.

Jaqueline the Giant-Killer

When I arrived home this afternoon I found several of the house flies in the study window, and I've been swatting for about a half-hour now. My plan is to write for about twenty minutes while they reproduce, and then kill more.

Very painless, fun day. E and I were supposed to study Algebra, but instead talked for about three hours. He critiqued my entire match.com experience, from my profile to my attitude to my photos, and came up with some plithy insights. Good advice, actually, but I probably won't be brave enough to take it. If I had any sense at all I'd hire him as my date coach.

I have needed this for such a long time. I needed to laugh like this, and heaven knows I needed some fresh insight.

Tonight's plans are to go check Mom's house (she's traveling and thinks she left her window open) and buy some acrylic paint for the mural I'm hoping to put in the bedroom this weekend. If it works I might expand the concept, and place a mural over the bathtub as well.

Hot Lips Blah Blah Blah

My fortune today said something about hot lips, but so far the hottest thing I've done has been to tell obliging E about how horrible I feel about R. I'm sure I'll quit obsessing about this in six months or so, but right now I have to chew it to death.

This week -- what I have learned from this?

• I want to be with someone. Wow. That was unexpected. I thought I had decided that issue after my 28th birthday.
• I have more patience than I thought I did. I've let myself think about this issue for over two years, first as a romantic relationship and then as a simple friendship.
• I put too much faith in what I'm feeling, and in what I think I'm reading between the lines.
• I still fall for the wrong men, and fall way to quickly.
• I need feedback, and the ability to talk about issues even though I hate those kind of conversations.
• I can't carry on a friendship -- or a deeper relationship -- with someone who won't pull their load.
• My "guilt plate" is full. I have to offload some of this burden somewhere.
• Listeners are too damn seductive. Stay away from men who listen. Instead find a man who occasionally has something to say. It would also be nice if he has trouble keeping his hands to himself.
• Writing does not necessarily make me feel better.

Which brings me to the end of this post, as I should quit freaking writing and do something useful like prepare for class.

Ouch My Aching Back

Taking a break from washing Easy-Bake crap. It's just as tedious as I thought it would be. I started with all the harder plastic items, the ones that could be washed in the dishwasher's top rack. The dishwasher looks quite festive, actually, filled with plastic of every single color, complete with five or six cookie cutters speared on every prong.

In a few minutes I have to start washing the metal pans, which must be hand-dried immediately after washing or they'll rust.

Mom and Dad took me out to dinner tonight since they'll be out of town on my birthday, and I finally found out what Dad bought me. He's been nattering about a man in red shorts and a beard for weeks. Turns out he bought me a Shakespeare in the Park poster, featuring Will playing basketball. I think I'll hang it in the TV room, if I ever get that room finished.

Also went to Half-Price books and bought a double handful of decorating books, like I need more of those. At least I didn't have to pay. Birthdays are nice.

Looking forward to this week. I have to teach exactly two classes this week, both on Tuesday. This will be a nice, easy week. I can't wait to get started.

Take Head Western Pet

I'm drawing refrigerator fortunes again. I don't believe in this stuff, but it's funny how my fortunes contained all the important words (kiss, boy, sex) while I thought I had a shot with R, and now that he's history the fortunes have turned mundane. Yesterday's had something to do with coffee. Of course I'm as bad as Google -- I can relate anything to sex, and today's fortune is no exception. I'll leave the interpretation to your imagination. Wouldn't want to spoil your fun.

I have to be at school in about an hour to work with a student, and after that I'll purchase paint for the one remaining kitchen cabinet. My goal for the day is to paint that cabinet, and clean every single last freaking dish in my kitchen.

Once the real dishes are clean I can spend Sunday laboriously cleaning all the Easy-Bake dishes in preparation for the party. I want to buy some party supplies, too -- pink or lavender hats, some kid-friendly party favors, and (of course) a few new official mix sets. (Most of them taste pretty horrible, so I usually just buy a water-only brownie mix.)

In a perfect world I'd go to Toys R Us and maybe a party store tonight, but I just don't think I'll have the energy.

Looking forward to my birthday for the first time in years. The kids are excited, too. This is going to be fun.

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Spent the early evening birthday-shopping. I think I had the most fun in the party store, where I decided to buck common good taste and instead let my bad taste show. Instead of matchy-matchy birthday things I bought Barbie Fairy and Hello Kitty plates, Bratz napkins, My Little Pony party favors, and Tinkerbell party hats. It's all gaudy pink, and certainly all in horrible taste. My nieces will love it.

I still haven't made it to the hardware store!! Must buy paint so I can finish the kitchen cabinets! And the grocery store is on my "hit list" as well. I need to buy cake icing.

Shopping as Weight Prevention

This entry is dedicated to the employees of Target on North MacArthur, who keep the store open late on Sundays, right up until 9:00 PM!! Personally I want a 24-hour Target, but 9:00 at Target is far better than midnight at Wal-Wait.

Shopping to prevent eating. If I spend all my spare cash on my home I won't have anything left to spend on, say, pizza. I've also taken to carrying those awful breath-freshening papers in my pocket. If I have an overwhelming urge to buy chocolate I just eat a breath paper instead. Yuck. Craving gone, at least for a while. It isn't totally foolproof -- it distracted me from the chocolate until I could forget about it, but the Jiffy-Pop popcorn overcame the yuck.

Spent Saturday daylight hours doing Algebra with E and K. I'm actually looking forward to math study sessions, which I didn't think was possible. It's all due to E's incredible sense of fun, and K's easygoing personality. E and I have probably spent about ten hours this week on math (not counting all the time we were sidetracked by conversation) and we've pretty much caught up with the class. I'm planning on taking the Chapter Four test on Wednesday, and never getting behind again.

Mom called while I was browsing in Ross and invited me to the Fair Park garage sale, so I slept in her cowboy bedroom Saturday, and shopped on Sunday.

I bought a lamp at the show. A $20 reddish 50s lamp. That's it. Modern is very hard to find at Fair Park, which tends toward Victorian/Englebrite/Shabby. That crowd reads Cottage Living, not Budget Living, and Martha Stewart instead of her younger, hotter sister Blueprint. They think Domino is a game, too.

Dad took pity on me and drove me to the Love Field antique mall. He and Mom went in a few weeks ago and found a bunch of modern. I was skeptical, until I saw the Saarinen chairs. And the Herman Miller chairs. And a to-die-for Paul McCobb credenza. And a red leather chaise from Cantoni. Wow. I'm hooked, I have a new favorite place to shop. Didn't buy anything. I almost walked out with a pair of blue ballet paint-by-numbers, but I only wanted one, and didn't want to pay for the whole set, and breaking up the set would be criminal.

Saw two Slice of Life salad plates (Nautical Compass) but they were overpriced at $18 each. Not even Replacements.com asks that much.

Finished the day at Target, where I found new black stoneware pieces for their Worldview set. I now own a pitcher, an unusual bowl, and a divided dish. I think this will all look fabulous in the blue-painted cabinets, if I ever get the stupid things finished. I have one cabinet to go!!

Mis-Match

My latest match.com guy has suddenly gone from nice to creepy. So creepy that I pulled my membership late last night, and reported him to match.com's abuse center. After four cute little flirtatious emails he started asking about

- my income
- my address
- my daily schedule

and other non-of-his-damn-business things. He even asked if I'm a natural redhead.

Yuck.

I think this the last straw. No more online matches. I've had coffee with three total, never even made it past the thirty-minute meet thing, and two of those were absolutely painful experiences.

This guy had me walking on clouds, smiling to myself, and actually curling my hair. Curling my hair, in practice for a guy I haven't met. Ouch.

My expectations aren't particularly high at this point -- how could they possibly be, with every man in sight telling me I'm not good enough? -- but this is too much. I need to pull back, and shift my hormones back into spinster mode. It ain't never gonna happen, baby. Get freaking used to it, and buy some new batteries.

Conceptualize

It's all in my head, nothing is really going on.

But at least my head is a fun place to be for a change.

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Really wanted to look luscious today, so I'm wearing a new sweater that matches my eyes, a black skirt, and a suede jacket. I also (gasp) curled my hair. Twice. Once last night in hopes that sleeping on curls would give me that just-fucked look, and one more time when I woke up looking abused instead of loved.

Fall has fallen. It's all around me, beguiling and enchanting, begging me to stop work and play in what's left of the sun. The sky. So blue it hurts to look at it long, arcing overhead in an ironic promise of unfulfilled longings and unstoppable laughter. I found myself waltzing in the deserted parking lot, bowing to the moon, asking "Shall we?" to the stars. Smiling to myself as I skimmed the bookstore shelves, pretending I could actually meet someone in a bookstore, actually get picked up and taken away for a night of lust and laughter, and depart smiling in the morning without the knowledge of his name. It's a dangerous season. A season of last chances, a season of risks and regrets and caramel laughter. A handful of days, unpredictable in number, before the killjoy season arrives. Sad Winter, frigidly marking its calendar territory, stolidly carrying me towards yet another bittersweet birthday and commercalized Christmas.

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Working on the self-rejuvenate scheme. What does make me happy?

• creating things
• sex
• reading
• eating
• sex
• watching movies or theater
• museum-hopping
• dreaming, naps
• buying stuff
• exploring
• writing
• organizing things (note: not cleaning things!!)

What not-fun activities would contribute to my happiness?

• doing a good job at work
• having a clean, well-repaired home
• healthier lifestyle
• paying off credit cards

So these things are my new priorities. Some I have to define further -- what exactly in my home needs to be repaired? And others need clarification and possibly limitations, like "doing a good job at work." Some things, like sex, aren't really in the foreseeable future but need to be included anyway, least I forget sex exists!

I think I'll make a new budget in Money, allocating finances for each of these things. Everything I buy will have to support one of my priorities. Oh, I'll leave money for non-planned expenses like car repairs, and for occasional off-the-list things like video games and nieces/nephews, but I really want to look at the quality-of-life I'm getting for my buck.

I also want to look at time. How much time am I devoting to these activities, and how much am I enjoying what I'm doing?

Want to decrease my reliance/love of retail shopping. I live in a city with good garage sales and a great Salvation Army. I'm also close to a Habitat for the Humanities, and so freaking close to a Texas Thrift that it's criminal I'm not in there more often. It's very simple -- if I buy used I can get things cheaper, and enjoy the buying process more.

There are some specific goals I have for Spring.

• Loose twenty pounds by Spring Break.
• Go somewhere in Texas for a weekend road trip, sans parents, shopping all the way.
• Have at least two days a week when I can get off work early enough to hit thrift stores, outlets, and salvage places.
• Landscape the front yard, even if it means more debt.

I have GOT to get this done. Seriously. Maybe look into a home improvement loan.

That's all. I could add more stuff, but then eventually I'd feel guilty that I wasn't doing all that stuff, so this is a nice, short list.

Sounds like a plan.

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Wasn't at all sure about the Ballroom Blue paint I used inside the kitchen cabinets, but I think it'll work just fine. I'm removing the doors from three cabinets, and even though this means I'll have to clean those cabinets on a regular basis I think it'll be worth the effort. That whole kitchen just looks crappy. Opening up the shelves helps breath a little modernity into a space severely lacking. Now all I need are black stonewear dishes to set in the cabinets, and a quick trip to the Salvation Army to donate my not-back stuff.

Reconsidering the back splash again. My house is basically modern with Mary-Englebrite-like touches. I don't know if the folksy back splash fits the plan. Anodized blue metal would be a better choice, but not at $30/tile.

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Last week I finally broke down and put out rat poison, and now I have a bunch of dead mice rotting in my home. The odor is about to overwhelm me. I'm going to Mom's house tomorrow night, so I can wash clothing and NOT have that smell all around me. Yesterday I lit a bunch of candles and left the doors open, but the 40-degree weather has persuaded me to keep the doors firmly closed. I hate this smell!!