Kamikaze Shopping

Yes, I plan to die shopping today. I've decided, given my current budget, spending $200 a weekend in crap and taking longer to pay off my credit cards is preferable to gaining three pounds as I did last night.

Buying everything possible on my bedroom want list. Visiting the other Ross, Home Depot, Hancock's, Target, and possibly the Salvation Army. Maybe even Kohl's, even though I hate that store. Oh, I forgot Tuesday Morning.

Once I have a car full of stuff I'll have to spend the bulk of the evening putting everything in place. That will take time. And energy. And will hopefully keep me away from the refrigerator or the telephone or Internet. (Pizza delivery).

(10:38 PM)

Soooooooo tired. I managed to shop all day. I've lost track of exactly home much money I've spent, but I've been very, very busy. Didn't find everything on my list, but so far I'm pretty happy.

• Ross had the silverware I've been coveting, an eight place set, with serving pieces,
• A fab pink-and-green platter I'm using on top of my dresser, marked down to $5,
• A small $4 cutting board,
• And pink bath salts (I needed them!).
• Lowe's helped me order glass for my vanity,
• Curtain tie-backs hardware,
• And an over-the-door garment hook that I have to return as it did not fit my door!!.
• Hancock's had a nice set of curtain ties that weren't tassled to death
• Target had Dragon Naturally Speaking 9 (which my PC isn't powerful enough to run)
• And a floor lamp for the living room,
• And a curtain rod I'll use in place of a towel bar since no one makes a 36" long towel bar.
• Kohl's and Tuesday Morning were disappointing. Linens and Things only stayed open until seven, and I drove up at 7:15.
• Wal-Mart had a small table I'm going to place in my bedroom, and
• An until-I-find-better clothes hamper, and
• Groceries.

Did not find the floor lamp I needed, or the lamp shade I hoped I would luck into. Or an affordable reading chair or ottoman. Oh well. I didn't have enough money for all that, anyway.

Caffeine and Curtains

Trying to come down off a caffeine high. I haven't been to sleep yet, but then again I slept until almost 2 PM Saturday. Cleaned my bedroom and thought more about decorating. I solved a couple of problems.

First off, I have an awkwardly-positioned light switch (it can be seen in this photo) by the bedroom's bathtub. I don't have anyone but myself to blame for the placement -- R was in Italy, and she left me in charge of the bathroom's remodeling. I wish I had known then I would be buying the house! That area has a ton of problems, most of which could have been prevented if I had demonstrated a little more foresight and maturity. (I think I was 28 at the time, and should have known better.) Instead of trusting my judgment I trusted the guy she hired.

So I want to hide this light switch, especially as I've gotten rid of the light it turns on. (The light was inconveniently placed -- it hits one in the eye while reading in the bathtub. I even pointed this out to the remodeler, but when he said it was too difficult to install on the other wall I let it slide. I might buy a lamp that shines upward one day, but I hate how bugs accumulate in those!)

A long towel bar placed in front of the light switch will hide the awkward placement, and also give me a place close to the tub to store some towels, something I desperately need. All I have to do is buy the towel bar. Problem solved!

My next issue is ARTWORK. I know I want Ruben Toledo illustrations over the dresser, and I have a 1980s modern print I want to hang on the silver wall. Plus I have a very large copy of a Maurice Prendergast painting, which will be propped up against the never-used bathtub.

So I have three strong statements, and a lot of blank wall I'll have to balance to get everything right. I've been tearing my hair out, trying to think of something I can do NOW to the one no-plan wall in the room. I need something greenish, preferably, something that will offset the modern chair and Lightolier-type reading lamp I'm planning on using. Something traditional, but not too traditional. And I think I need ten to twelve medium-sized prints, not a large statement.

Gosh, it would take forever to find folk art, not that I could afford anything. And I don't think photos would be right. Neither would my beloved paint-by-numbers. I could scout the thrifts for months, but I don't think I'd find anything really useful. Besides, the last few thrift stores I've been to have had nothing but cheesy 1980s botanitc prints, and I need something

WAIT -- cheesy botanic. Green. Traditional. A good contrast with the modern furniture I want to highlight. Readily available, matted and framed, and mostly CHEAP. Wow. And they aren't really that cheesy, it's just that I have an adverse reaction to just about anything I loved in high school, including botanical prints.

They'll work beautifully. Now I just have to go shopping.

There are a few other thing I want for the bedroom as well, so I'm going to note them here for future reference:

• A clothes hamper!!!!
• A bench for the foot of the bed
• Waist-high bookcases
• Lightolier-type lamp
• Retro modern black lounge chair -- a coconut chair would be perfect, but who am I kidding?
• A drum lampshade for my chartreuse green lamp
• Frames for the Reuben Toledo illustrations
• An ottoman.

Pier One actually has a bench, but they want $100 for it. Yeah, right.

Next dilemma is to decide what to do around my bed. I don't think prints will be enough. The green mosquito net canopy I have would look good, but I think it would overshadow the pillows ad bedspread.

Must think about this at length. Something will turn up. I have faith in the process.

And best of all, I'm sleepy.

Shopping for Trouble

Spent part of the evening at Mom and Dad's having dinner with C's children. Afterwards I went to Ross and purchased

• More pink bath stuff, in grapefruit and honeysuckle scents. I'm constantly amazed how much variety pink stuff comes in. I though it would all be rose-scented. I'm happy I was wrong!
• A large glass jar with a green-tinged lid, probably originally part of a flour/sugar/cornmeal set, now used to hold bath salts.
• A pink negligee vintage-looking slip thing that I look horrible in, but which looks very fetching hanging on my closet door.
• My first purchase for the fortune-telling bathroom -- a candle holder shaped like a hand with the palm facing out. I'm thinking of re-purposing it as a toothbrush holder.

Also bought one more frou-frou pink pillow at Big Lots, this one covered with ribbon work. It's the last of the two small frou-frou pillows I've made myself settle on. Any additional pillows would just be too much hassle.

Anyway, I'm inspired enough to clean my bedroom thoroughly, moving everything that isn't pretty out of sight. I might even hang a few prints tonight.

Speaking of prints, I've ordered a new copy of the Bombshell Manual of Style. I love Ruben Toledo's work, and want to use these illustrations in the bedroom, so I need a copy to keep and a copy to frame. I wish he had more stuff!! I've ordered the one other book of his work I can afford, The Style Dictionary. Amazon lists another, Fashionation, with a $226.00 price tag. That's a little too rich for my thrift-store budget, but the cover illustration has me drooling.

Tomorrow I plan to buy curtain tie-backs, some green ribbon, a nicer hanger for the slip thing, and a garment hook for the closet door. Searching the Net in vain for a pink body pillow. I found a cover -- for $20!!! -- and one pretty pillow for $164.00. I wasn't planning on spending more than $12 on the entire pillow, so you can see why I'm dismayed. I think maybe I'll go buy the navy blue one I saw at Ross, and sweet-talk Mom into make me a couple of pillow cases. (After the Halloween costume thing has passed, of course.)

The bedroom is very odd. It feels strange to buy this much pink, and to work so hard to create such a feminine space. I guess it's the only outlet I have for this side of myself. No one in their right mind would find an overweight graceless, foul-mouthed bull-in-a-china-shop like me feminine, even though I can be. No one would ever suspect I have a drawer brimming with makeup, three drawers full of jewelry, five different hair-curling appliances, and no less than eight bottles of nail polish.

I just don't let that side of myself show any more. I guess I'm too afraid I'll be insulted, or hurt, or worst of all ignored.

Birthday Plans Gone Amuck

I talked myself out of Death Valley for my birthday, mostly because I don't want to go alone. So my next idea was to spend the day at Ikea. Wouldn't that be perfect? Be surrounded by furniture all day? Shop, eat lunch in the cafeteria, and shop some more?

Sadly they are closed on Thanksgiving. One of two freaking days of the year they're closed. And I'm not about to go the day after Thanksgiving. There are limits to my shopping mania.

I want a plan. I want something to keep me occupied and busy. And I want something to looks forward to.

Avoiding Work

Putting off work by blogging. And by cleaning. And by whatever other methods I can come up with!!! Including Internet genealogy research on a family I'm not even related to. (Unless you go back to Charlemagne or something, and who isn't related to him by now?)

Mom bought a huge box of photos this weekend, all from one family. Most of the photos are of exceptional quality! Someone in the family was a photographer, or at least a dedicated amateur. The shots are all wonderfully clear, not the usual blurry, overexposed pile of miscellany most family albums are. There are even some tinted photos.

Mom got the entire box for a song at a flea market. The man who sold it to her said he found it all on the side of a road, waiting for the trash collectors. I can't believe someone would throw out their history like that. The dealer didn't really seem to think much of the activity, either. I think he realized Mom would take care of the family, and treasure what was left behind.

Everything seems to revolve around a mother (Lillie McFeely) and her three daughters, Merl, Verna and Clara. We think the stuff we have belonged to Merl -- there's a birth certificate for her deceased daughter, and lots of things relating to her husband, Oscar Waldrop. I think Clara or Verna was the photographer, but maybe not.

So of course we're intrigued. Here are all these great photos, tons of clear family pictures, several with notes on the back. Mom has made out a family tree, and we're trying to fill in the blanks. We want to know more about these people. I think we'd both like to re-unite the photographs with the family -- after we've had time to research everything, and enjoy the photos ourselves, of course.

And I want to semi-adopt this family, and place them in my house. I'd like to reprint several of the photos, but Frank in particular has won my heart. He loved to fish, and there are literally dozens of photos of him with his catches. It's quite a collection. It would be fun to scan the images, blow them up, and make a "Frank Wall" in the TV room.

I'm trying to talk Mom into joining Ancestry.com to find all the answers right away, but I have to admit her method -- piecing everything together through photos -- is more fun. It's a huge puzzle, and we have to be alert to all the little nuances in the photos to read the story.

The plumber came today, and for $142 cleared the drain. But he wouldn't put my sink back together because part of it was broken. (sigh). It looks like more jerry-rigging from when Rachel owned the house. He's quoted me another $200 to fix the problem, but I really can't spare that much right now.

Did the calculations on my pay, though, and figured out the new load rules are letting me earn a huge chunk of change this semester. I can pay of my debts, start investing, and save a little for a nice vacation this summer. Or I could go back to graduate school in the Spring, which would cut back on my money-making ability. Of course I've pretty much decided to cut back on my money-making ability anyway. I think I'm working too hard. I'd rather take a little less money, and have time to enjoy myself.

Reaffirmation

Re-affirmed my commitment to my diet yesterday by throwing money at it. I went grocery shopping, and bought a bunch of frozen fish, and some fruit and vegetables. My desk at work has a bowl of oranges on it, sitting right beside a container of cherry tomatoes.

Today's breakfast was a mind-numbingly boring egg (No cheese! No bacon!) with a pretty good sourdough English muffin. I'm happy I ignored the whole wheat/whole grain thing. Morning is not the time to confront a whole grain. They're just too damn cheerful.

The diet thing is working, at least temporarily. I'm down to 274.5 pounds.

Monday is my favorite day of the week. I'm off to Algebra class in a few minutes, and after class I'll walk out C Bldg. door and up the hill to my car. And I won't be looking back. Today's big plan is to call a plumber and get the sink un-clogged. After that I have to take a nap, and then actually get some work done so I can possibly teach on Tuesday.

Old Software Doesn't Die, It Just . . .

Can't think of a punch line for the title above.

I'm one of a select group of people -- those who still have and use their Office 97 CD. I just finished installing the Shortcut Toolbar, which I love dearly. It's nice to have it back on my screen, ten years after its original release. Some things never go out of style.

It's made me think of other software I miss, most of which won't run on modern computers. Heck, most of which I probably couldn't find any longer.

• Sketcher, the first natural-media paint program I ever played with. It featured black-and-white drawing media.
• All those cheesy morph programs! I needed one a while back, and couldn't find one anywhere.
• Rock 'n Rap & Roll -- sooooo cheesy. We loved it, though. I wish I still had it, I'd like to try using the sounds from it in FruityLoops. (For my own personal use, of course.)
• Who could ever forget ZipMagic, which made zip files miracuously act like file folders? Wow. Even my Dad understood how to use it.
• That DOS-based fortune-teller program, the one that read your aura by having you place your hands on the computer screen. (A concept I borrowed for my Flash aura reader.) My family got a lot of mileage out of that one.
• Ohhh, the Windows voodoo doll. I loved that one.
• The Pagan Daybook. Hm -- Download.com has a new version!!!!
• My Barbie screen saver. I think I might still have that one.
• The Dallas Cowboys web browser. How could something suck that much but still be cool?
• Font Monster. Wow. Best font management program ever. It had one little invaluable feature I can't find anywhere else -- it could modify a dingbat font so programs correctly saw the font as a dingbat instead of as text.
• Windows Macro Recorded -- I miss the original Win 3.1 recorder. I have to use Macro Express now, which is clearly a professional-level tool, but it isn't free-with-Windows.
• All the games. Zork. Leather Goddesses of Phobos. Ultima.

I'm trying to think if there is any other piece of software I've been using for ten years. Different versions don't count.

• Pretty Good Solitare -- I'm sure my family has been playing for ten years. It's not on my PC, but I do play it at the parent's home. We don't like the newer version as much, so we've never upgraded.
• Original Windows stuff that has never been upgraded (or at least not obvious-to-me upgraded):
• Notepad
• Calculator
• Character Map
• I'm sure there are others, but I use these three regularly.
• Xenu Link Sleuth -- still the best.
• WS_FTP, the original version -- I know some people have trouble getting it to run on Win XP, but I haven't had any problems. Almost impossible to find now -- the new version isn't as streamlined. Please don't ask me to email you a copy.

Wow, that's a short list. I thought there would be more.

Food Blues

Just as I get used to spinach it has to go and disappear. This E. coli thing is forcing me back to Subway sandwiches with superfattening avocado. I was going to branch out, too, and try cooked spinach. I thought I'd try it in a pizza, or maybe in a quesidillas.

Anyway, the diet isn't going to well. I hit 274 about a week ago, and have been yo-yoing between 274 and 276.5 all week. I guess the easy part is over. And as usual my enthusiasm is fading quickly. Today I ate a container of yogurt, a hot dog with a small lunch-bag-size bag of chips, and . . . fajitas at On The Border. I just don't have any discipline at all.

(sigh) I did eat cherry tomatoes while sitting at my desk this week. It took me three days to get through the pint I purchased, and every time I popped one into my mouth I felt like maybe the real me has been abducted by aliens. But, sadly, I have proof to the contrary -- two mid-afternoon trips to Subway for cookies. And a late-night dinner at Boston's. And lunch at Boston's. And four pieces of chocolate off Lynne's desk.

My latest "diet myth" is that if I buy a new video iPod I can watch TV while I ride that stupid exercise bicycle I bought. I should just break down and buy cable TV instead. I'd probably save money in the long run.

(later)

I feel a little better -- I decided I'm going to wash all my dishes this weekend, and I've made a good start in that direction. This probably seems like a trivial thing to do, but remember I've had a plumbing problem for about two months now. The dishes were stacked on both sides of the sink when the problem started, and I'm afraid I've only added to the problem since then.

It isn't as gross as it sounds -- my kitchen is not full of rotting food. Remember, I don't cook much, and I don't eat sauced or sticky things, so as long as I wipe everything off with a paper towel it's decent if not sanitized. (Yes, I have mice, but they eat the cat food, not people food.)

But I want really, really clean dishes. I want to put everything away, and invite a plumber into my home. So I need to wash the dishes. But the only sinks in the house that work are the tiny, tiny, tiny bathroom sinks. I can't even stand a glass under the faucet, so washing dishes in the bathroom has been mostly useless.

Until tonight, anyway, when I filled a plastic container full of dishes. I did the dishes sitting on the side of the bathtub. The first batch is drying now, and I'm giving my back a break before I start the second batch. I think there are three batches total.

MONDAY I AM CALLING A PLUMBER!!

I can't wait.

Wanted: Geek Lover

My nerd/geek thing has a new object of attraction: Bre Pettis, the Make Magazine video podcast guy. He's hot. I love all the goofy things he makes, how active he is, how creative and smart he is, and how much he seems to be enjoying his life. He wouldn't be afraid to be a little silly if it made someone laugh.

Of course it would never work. We would go out on a few dates, and then he'd figure out I'm really a borderline narcissist, and he'd smartly tell me how much I remind him of his sister, and start seeing a nice biologist instead. (Or he'd feed me some bullshit line about wanting more solitude.)

I need help with fun. I really, really do. That's one of the overriding things I'm looking for in a man -- a goofball sense of humor. I think I'm doomed to failure, though, because smart goofballs are too smart to date me.

Workin' Through The Weekend

Trying to stay busy this weekend. I did sleep the afternoon away, but I honestly think that's due to being tired, not being depressed. Today I'm scanning old family photos into Flickr while I import CDs into iTunes. This is me at nine months.



More from Flickr. Fabric from last week's trip to the Fabric Yard, the *best* place in Dallas to buy upholstery fabric. I'm going to regret not buying this one. It's fantastic, isn't it? But it was also $15/yard.



I didn't price these, but I fell in love with 'em for a few minutes.



And this last crazy-quilt fabric was really my favorite, but I know it would look horrible on the sofa. I kept walking back to it, trying to talk myself into it, and failing miserably. And it was only $8/yard!!!!



I ended up buying something I didn't even photograph. Hopefully will have time to visit the upholstery shop this week.

I've also accidentally taken up indoor gardening. This little(!) sprout wiggled underneath the French doors in the bedroom, then crawled up the dresser I've got leaning up against the French doors. It's probably been hiding under the curtains for months. I don't have the heart to kill it, and the frost will take care of it a few months anyway.

Damn the Diet

I ate two cookies today. I hate myself.

Purple Blues

Gorgeous purple dress arrived in today's mail. This, please remember, is my dream dress, the one I shouldn't have bought because I have nowhere to wear it.

And that's a good thing, because the dress looks just awful on me.

I'm trying not to focus on that, trying not to see how horrible I looked in the mirror, trying not to see how what I thought was a fitted dress ended up being a slinky-fabric dress, hugging where it should have skimmed, and skimming where I needed it to hug.

Currently telling myself the dress will look great after I loose fifteen pounds. Not really, but I have to be upbeat about something. I did come home starving after a thirteen-hour day at work, and still managed to cook dinner instead of going out. I ate a quesidillas made from a multi-grain tortilla, chicken, cheese, and a few canned tomato chunks. One quesidillas, not my previously-normal two, with just a little cheese, and with that weird multi-grain thing. Wasn't sure about the multi-grain thing at all, but this was OK. I could eat it again.

So far I've lost six pounds, which sounds great but really isn't much of a statement at all since my weight varies five pounds on a monthly basis. And the first fifteen pounds are always incredibly easy. I'll loose that much, then celebrate -- wow, isn't 268 pounds slim?? And practically the next week I'm back up in the high 270s.

I'm trying very hard not to feel like a failure already, this soon into a diet, but I've failed so many times that it's hard not to. I'm accustomed to failure.

I have to break this custom, though. I'm successful in so many other parts of my life. I have a great job, a nice house, and a steady income. I'm so close to having what I want out of life. All I have to do is shed the weight, then I can chase after some of the dreams I'm not living.

It won't be easy, even with the weight off. I don't know if I'll ever again meet anyone I can envision spending my life with. And being thin will expose me to a whole new range of uncomfortable social situations. For instance, I can't remember the last time I had to reject an unwanted sexual advance. I wasn't good at that in my twenties, and I know that I've lost whatever skill I had. I don't know how to turn a man off any longer. Of course I don't remember how to turn them on either, so that's only to be expected.

Sooo feeling end-of-day home-alone blahs. Work was great, I accomplished all kinds of things, but am I excited about that? Nope. I'm upset because for some stupid reason I counted it up. I actually did the math, when I know how awful that number makes me feel. Fourteen years. Fifteen in a couple of months.

I hate how empty my life is.

Weekend Blues

I did pretty well on my diet until Labor Day weekend hit. I hate weekends.

During the week I can be focused, goal-oriented, successful, funny, and hip. But on weekends I'm stuck at home, alone, talking to cats. I don't even like cats. I slide into self-pity, playing that stupid might-have-been game. I spend too much time sleeping, and the only thing that gets me out of bed is the thought of food. Weekends are self-destructive. Weekends hurt. Especially long, three-day weekends.

Happily we don't have many of those in the Fall semester. We won't hit another until November, when we'll have an appalling four-day weekend, starting off with the infinitely depressing 37th Birthday/Thanksgiving Day double shot.

Tonight is bad, but tomorrow I'll be upbeat enough to continue this whole diet thing. I've been eating new foods in an effort to find healthy things I actually like. I ate cottage cheese for the first time last week, and firmly believe it is the most boring food stuff known to mankind. Tomorrow I'm supposed to eat oatmeal, though, so my opinion could change. I'm trying to tell myself this is an adventure. I did sort of like the raspberries I ate today. I couldn't taste all the little hairs on them, and even though the seeds were a bitch they were time-consuming, which makes raspberries a good book-reading food.

I have to find something fun to do next weekend, something to keep my spirits up and to remind me of why I bother with all this.

Thank the gods summer is over. Summer is even worse than a weekend.

(later)

OK, Green Tortoise has a Death Vally Loop over Thanksgiving. That would be fun. If I book airfare now it's only about $400. The trip itself is only $235, all meals included. So we're looking at $800, plus an additional $200 to buy stuff for the trip. I need a sleeping bag, for instance.

I know this is nothing but wishful thinking -- I'm not in good-enough shape to handle a hiking trip through the desert. But it beats thinking about spending another depressing Thanksgiving at home.