Procrastination Is Cool

I do the coolest things when I'm trying to put off working. I made that neat weight-loss calendar last week, I converted all my DVDs to iPod format this weekend, and spent the weekend trying to find the ultimate to-do list. (Didn't find it -- I want online, multiple list management, quick-quick-quick, hierarchical, deadlines, ratings, time allotted, and RSS feeds for specific tags so I can share specific tasks with my lab assistant.)

So today, the first day of school, I obviously had to re-design my Windows desktop. I took the best of the organizers I found (SproutLiner) and made it my Active Desktop. Then I took a screen shot of the print preview of my Excel spreadsheet (a screen shot so I could ditch the gridlines) and made that into a Windows background. Lastly I loaded up iCEBar, which is very similar to the much-lamented Office taskbar. I've often thought of going back to Office '97 just so I can have that bar again. Hm. I wonder if I still have my Office '97 disk? And can I install just the taskbar?

Anyway, the screenshot below shows just how organized I look. Of course we all know it's fake organization, because I really should be doing work instead of making pretty. (sigh) I guess I should work, now that I've thoroughly documented wasting time.

Calendars

Should be working on calendars for my classes, but instead I've been working on a weight-loss calendar. I came up with 138 reasons to lose weight, a list that will get me right into January. Not that I'll ever do anything with it. I have lots of reasons, but no willpower.

I guess I can at least print it tonight, after I finish at least one school calendar and take a shower. And I can place it somewhere prominent in the bedroom, near my scale. (The scale that is currently in the closet where the light bulb is burnt out.)

I'm afraid to step on the scale. All my car outages and school-starting nonesense have made me order way to much pizza and junk food lately. Must stop all this over the weekend. And whatever happened to that diet I was going to try?

Nothing happened to it at all, which is the entire problem.

All Nighter

Tonight's Stay-Up-All-Night project involves making two posters for the Learning Communities. I wanted to make them match the tie-dye thing we already have going on, but I just didn't have time to make the foam core look like tie-dye. As a result we're doing something a little more sedate -- blue with a purple border on one board, and purple with a blue border on the other. They don't go with the theme, but not everything has to go with the theme, especially when I'm running out of time.

I wish

Wait. I have a purple tie-dyed scarf, a really, really long one that I could bond to the foam core. And I think I have some blue tie-dye in my fabric box. OK, this is stupid. How would I get the lettering on fabric?

Hm. I could use the iron-on transfers that didn't work for me Sunday night. Or my fabric markers, or any number of other things.

OK, let's think about this. (walking away towards fabric)

(back now)

Nope. I can't do it. The tie-die scarf really isn;t impressive enough. My other pieces of fabric are a batik tablecloth, and a 60s modern tapestry cloth with a geometric pattern in yellow, orange, brown, and black, and another piece of batik, black with blue-and-white spots.

I can't make myself give up the tablecloth or the tapestry, and honestly none of the pieces are speaking to me. I don't have any inspiration at all for this. Nothing is speaking to me. And I'm also disappointed -- I bought metallic spray paints designed to touch up things like chidren't tricycles, and found out it isn't metallic on paper at all. It's pretty flat and boring.

I just couldn't find the right spray paint colors to begin with. I'm not happy with this project at all!!

OK, went into the studio and just started coating the foam core with paint. It's pretty loose, but the colors and the scheme are closer to what we started with. I'm going to put our "EXTREME EDUCATION" logo at the top of each one in black, along with the text.

One will be yellow and red with bright line-green lettering, the other will be blue and green with bright magenta lettering.

Hopefully. I feel a little better now -- I'm back on theme.

(4:19 AM)

Posters are just not cooperating. The transparent labels I bought are a little too transparent. I wanted the letters to be opaque and the rest of the label to be transparent, but the letters are pretty damn transparent, too. That isn't such a big deal on the yellow/red/purple poster, but most of the wording becomes illegible on the aqua blue poster.

I like the transparency stuff, too. Since you can actually see it a little it adds some dimension to the page. Very gunge, well in keeping with the Cocain Sans font and the "extreme" theme.

I tried placing the letters on a background that matched the poster, but I couldn't make my printer churn out a decent mix in a decent amount of time, so I need to move on. I do have one alternative, but it's very much an alternative. There has got to be something better.

Thinking of going back into the studio and finding interesting papers to print on, so I can just paste squares of paper on the boards that don't really have anything to do with each other. I want the colors to be similar, but not much else. It would be nice to have something vintage and something modern, two clash-y papers with similar colors. Of course if I did that for the auqa poster I'd have to do it for the yellow one too. I guess it's worth looking into.

(6:31 AM)

Oh gods, it's hideous. I love it. It's really, really bad, like if a ten-year-old and a crazy bag lady collaborated over a stack of scrapbook supplies. I've printed directly on magazine pages, used every pair of fancy edging scissors I own, and scattered little clear-glass triangles all over the poster. The lettring is crooked, and I think the colors are an eyesore. I'm not finished yet, but I don't think anyone in administration could ever appreciate just how wonderfully horrible this poster is.

It would certainly be eye-catching, but in all the wrong ways.

This wasn't what I was planning, but it's what happened. I love it, but I think I'm certifiable, too.

I think it needs glitter, or maybe some beads. Have to think about this.

Banner Blues

This banner is driving me right up the wall. I think, so far, the hardest part has been convincing my Mom that I knew what I was doing, that yes, this would take hours of freaking work, but that I wanted a specific look and I could only get it a specific way.

Mom finally agreed I was crazy and helped me anyway. She did a great job cutting and hemming the fabric. Then niece R and I took the banner outside to paint the tie-dye-looking background. We took my Setacolor paints, watered them down a little, and poured the paint on the fabric. It was wonderful. Brilliant yellow, aqua, magenta, blue, green, and a big stripe of red all washing together, blending and harmonizing just like the picture I photoshoped. As a final touch we took my Dy-Na-Flow paints, stood up, turned the bottles upside down, and dribbled additional colors all over the fabric stretched out on the ground. Very, very, very happy with the results.

The trouble is the white lettering. I want everything to match the promotional materials I've already done, which means white lettering in the font Cocaine Sans. Yes, I'm picky. The banner looks so good so far! I don't want to cheap out now. Anyway, white is difficult. Iron-on-transfers were my first thought, but they're clear, and since inkjet printers don't print white that's out. Fusable fabric sounded good, until I figured out I would need to spend about $70 to get the effect I wanted. My big plan was to use transfer paper to get the lettering on the fabric, then paint in the outlines. That would take all freaking night, though.

Had to go to Wal-Mart for printer ink, and while there I found fabric spray paint, so I tried that. I printed and cut out a letter stencil, stuck it to the fabric with spray starch, and sprayed away. It did fine on a T-Shirt I sacrificed for the cause, but by the time I was ready for the real thing the stupid bottle had clogged. Yuck. I did one letter with it, and while it didn't look horrible I could tell the results would get progressively worse. It's too late to hand-letter, so I had to do something.

So I pulled out Old Faithful. My can of Rustoleum primer, which has saved my butt more times than I can count. The label doesn't even talk about applying the paint to fabric, but I'm desperate. So far it looks pretty good. It's a very fine spray, so I can get a lot of control and really build up to the effect I want.

This is all a little silly, probably. I'm putting in about twelve hours on a stupid banner. I know we need some other stuff for the table, but I can't think of what. I meant to grab some action figures from Mom's house, and some Hot Wheels, but I forgot. Maybe I can talk her into meeting me for lunch tomorrow, with a few of them in tow.

(4:30 AM)

Gods, I'm tired. Taking a break while some letters dry. I'm about to put down the A in "education." Nine down, five to go. Newest fear is that I won't be able to fit all the last letters on the banner! I thought six feet would be plenty of room, but it looks like I'm going to run short.

My studio is a mess. I never cleaned it up from marbeling with R, and now it has sticky bits of paper all over it, and adhesive spray on the floor, and smells like spray paint. I'm careful not to stay in the room too long since the ventilation sucks. I love having this room, though. A room where I'm allowed to actually spray spray paint at 4 AM, without fear of what I'll splatter in the process. A room designed to be ruined, designed to have a countertop coated with so many colors that you can't tell its original shade. A place of creativity, a place free from restraints.

(5:30 AM)

Two letters to go. I think it might all fit.

New issue: I want to place "NLC Learning Communities" at the bottom of the banner, and had planned on doing this with an iron-on. What will happen when I try to iron-on over the primer???!!!??? I don't want to ruin this. I guess I have to find a way to test it first. I think I have a bandana I can sacri-- wait, the T-Shirt I've already ruined. I can play with it.

(6:10 AM)

It all fit, with decent near-match margins on both sides. Wow.

It looks fantastic, excepting where I cut away too much of the small "e" stencil. I've painted over the spot with Neopaque, but might have to put on a second coat after I take a shower. It looked OK in the dark studio, but I'm sure it will be a different case under decent lighting.

I have got to get better lighting in the studio, and a few comfortable chairs!! Right now I do most of my art in the kitchen because the lighting in the studio is so horribly bad.

Haven't played with the iron-ons yet. I've painted a primer strip on the T-Shirt and am waiting for it to dry a little first.

Three Blind Mice

I just walked through the kitchen into the study and sat down behind my desk. I heard a ruckus, and looked up from the keyboard to see three mice in the kitchen eating the cat food. Didn't they see me? Aren't the afraid of me?

I guess I have to buy more traps tomorrow. The ones I have aren't doing me much good with this batch -- they like to hide underneath the washer and dryer, and I don't have enough traps to span that length of floor.

Bought fabric for the fichu to match my dress, which still hasn't arrived. The shipping date has been pushed from August 1 back to August 22. I was counting on one fun on-the-town evening in that dress before school starts, but now there's no way. It will arrive the weekend before school starts, the weekend I always spend glued to my PC.

I was planning on painting the kitchen this weekend, but school has taken precedence. I'm working on promotional materials for the learning communities. So far I've made twenty-one table toppers, and plan to work on materials for our advising table tomorrow.

Want a way to mount a banner over our advising table, like Peppermint Patty's therapist stand. I'm thinking PVC pipe lashed to the table legs with tie wraps. I can drill holes at the top of the pipe and run a cord through it to suspend the banner.

The banner itself is troublesome. I think I'm going to have to paint on a crazy pattern, and then use heat-set fabric transfer paper to get the lettering where I want it, and lastly paint in the lettering with a paint pen. I can't decide what material to use for the banner. Paper is too lightweight. I thought about oilcloth, like a cheap tablecloth, but I'm worried about how the paint would take. My other option is something from fabric, but if it's too lightweight I'll be in trouble. Plus I don't want to have to sew anything, especially since I don't own a sewing machine. My last thought is to buy a painter's canvas drop cloth and use it. I've been wanting one anyway so I can try to make a small rug, so I'll have a way to use the excess.

I wonder how hard it is to set grommets in canvas? And how hard it is to hem canvas? I think if I have the banner finished by tomorrow evening my Mom might hem it. Maybe.

Seeking Balance

My professional life is busy, vibrant, and so full of opportunities that I'm having to choose between a bunch of tempting, fun things. But it's a job I never sought, and one I often have trouble giving my heart to.

My personal life is empty. Very few friends, no lovers, and a bunch of wistful could-have-beens. I live for my family and my friends, will drop just about anything to be with them, but no one ever calls. (Except my mother.)

Why is it like this? Why is always full/empty, with no balance between the two?

(later)

Pity party over. Went to OTB with D, bitched my head off, and feel much better now. Going to go home and paint the kitchen. Maybe go to IKEA tomorrow and be reckless and buy the kitchen table and chairs I've been wanting.

I'm completely pathetic, I know, but buying stuff always makes me feel better. I could survive, maybe even thrive, in a loveless relationship with a rich corporate lawyer. I can't decide if that's a good thing (stamina) or a bad thing (superficiality).

Going to go home and sling latex. I want to exhaust myself so I can get a decent night's sleep.

Transport Blues

My car has been in the shop again for the third time in as many weeks, and less than three hours after I picked it up this evening that damned "check engine" light came on again. I'll have to take it back in tomorrow morning, and then take DART back to school.

(sigh) I don't need this. It's zapping all my financial and emotional reserves. I'm tired of my parents, who I've been depending on way to much. I'm tired of my house -- I seem perpetually stuck here! And I'm tired of water. Somehow I've managed to go two weeks without grocery shopping, so all I have in my fridge is a thermos full of chilled water.

Thank goodness for R, who drove us to Chili's last night and took me home afterwards!! I needed a good meal and amiable company.

More Musings on Lists

Lists are such simple things on the surface! Just a way to organize items, right? Actually so much more . . .

In a perfect world, lists lead to a feelings of accomplishment and success: I created this huge list! It has eight hundred items on it! It's a wonderful list, just look at it! I didn't leave anything out!

And better yet, I FINISHED everything on my list! Read all the books, completed all the tasks, appreciated all the good things in live. I am a successful, happy person. The list says so.

Of course, in my case lists often result in negative feelings: I didn't do everything on the list, there are things I'm neglecting, I'm not living up to my potential, I'm a failure.

Most often, though, I experience rebellion -- fuck the list!! Fuck everything on the list!! Fuck the idea of lists, fuck the society that encourages lists!!

I can't figure out why I make lists when I know from experience that they make me so miserable.

Here is my latest bucket 'o misery:

Things To Do Before School Starts Again

• Clean all clothing -- wash, dryclean, repair, hang in closet.
• Paint kitchen
• Hire plumber
• Shop for groceries
• Animated Algebra through Week 8
• Page Design I through Week 8
• Back up all PCs

Sticking to the Point

Currently reading "If The Buddha Got Stuck" by Charlotte Kasal, author of the fantastic "If The Buddha Dated," my favorite relationship book ever. (As numerous Amazon reviewers have pointed out, it really isn't about Buddhism, but more a new-age common-sense swirl, but it's a nice swirl. I read it when I need someone to deliver a pick-me-up speech.) While I loved the book I haven't put any of the theory into practice because I'm, well . . . stuck. Hence the new book.

Started reading it in Soupper Salad, and didn't get through the first chapter because of all the internal dialog I brought to the table. Once, for instance, I got sidetracked by the term "personal support system." A system is a process, hopefully with checks and balances. How can support be a process? That seems too fluid and dynamic a word for what should be the foundation of my life. Based on this, I don't really have a support system in my life. Do I need one? What would one look like?

Also occurred to me that one thing the Buddha probably would not do is write obsessively. He wouldn't make endless lists of things to do, instead he would be in the moment and just complete the tasks as they came into being, giving his full attention to each task as it arose. And he probably wouldn't feel the need to write about how the task went, what color the task was, if the task was on sale, and if he could have found a knock-off task if he looked hard enough. Instead he would just empty his mind and meditate, letting the task go since it's no longer part of the moment.

I think my chances of ever converting to this nonreflective religion are nonexistent.

But I also need to read the book anyway, because my personal life is nothing but a re-run of what happened in my past. I keep making the same mistakes, over and over and over. And I'm bitter about some of them, and all that bitterness can't be good for me. Unlike Buddha, I think maybe I reflect so much that the mistakes are just reflections of what I did in high school, or in college. Another chance to relive the same awful experience to the same indifferent ending. I'm immature Alice, stuck in the looking-glass, and I desperately need a way to escape.

Hopefully this book will help me un-stick enough to break the glass.

Attachment Syndrome

My bedroom at sunset. Love of natural light started in childhood. I remember watching dust dance in sunlight when I was little, thinking that was one of the most beautiful things in the world. And my parent's living room is one of the ugliest rooms in the world because it gets so little light. I grew up unconsciously wanting a home where sunlight was a vital part of the design. I'm so happy I got what I didn't even fully realize I wanted.

I told a friend a few weeks ago that I would never leave my home, that I would expect any future S.O. to move in with me. He thought I was a little crazy, which I thought was funny because he's broken up with women because they have pets in their homes.

Anyway, it isn't true. I thought it was, but on reflection it really isn't. I love my home, and I love my stuff, but one of the things I love most is that I didn't pay all that much for anything, so I can afford to loose it all and then have the joy of re-creating it all.

My electronics and my desk are probably the sole exceptions. I paid too much for the desk, and I had to pay retail for my PCs, so it would be hard to part with them. Then again, I would get to upgrade so it wouldn't be all bad.

I love stuff, I take delight in my stuff, I'm even proud of my stuff. But I'm not attached much of it.

That's today's fairy tale, anyway.

Plans for today include finishing the breakfast-room paint (quite tedious as so much of it has to be done by hand), wash some in the bathroom sink, and go grocery shopping. I'm going to try a diet I found in Family Circle, one of those three meal/three snack diets, and see how it works for me.

Actually eating spinach now, in the form of a salad. I don't think I could ever eat it cooked. It looks too much like seaweed. Next dietary goal: beans. There must be some form of beans I can eat without yucking up.


(later)



The not-so-pink Anthropologie rug. This photo actually looks pinker than the reality. I'm not crazy about it, but I can live with it for now.

Working on the bedroom instead of the breakfast room. I want to run out and buy curtains for the other window, and a chair, and glass for the vanity, and some cake stands to add some height behind the bathtub, and a drum lamp shade, and more. But I've had my spree for the month, and I've also had a $237 electric bill in the mail today. Almost happy school starts soon. When I'm at school for ten hours a day the bill drops dramatically. By the time I can spend an evening at home it'll be time to turn off the air conditioner.

Wanted: Sugar Daddy

Mouse body count: 2. I think I have at least 20 more in the walls, I can hear them now. Must get rid of more of them so I can invite a plumber into my home without worrying about the overpowering rodent smell.

Jonseing for a vacation. Next week is the last week of school, and the week after is the only week I'll have off before the new semester starts. I'm trying to figure out how I can get away for a while without spending any money. Looks like I'm taking a slow trip to nowhere.

I've been reading a magazine with an article on renting a houseboat. That's what I'd like to do -- go out on the water, drifting from spot to spot. Carry a bunch of books and sunscreen. Read, then jump in the water for a while, then read more. Go ashore and have seafood, or possibly grill my own if I can find someone to clean the fish. Watch the scenery pass by with a glass of sangria in my hand. Feel the boat sway in the water at night. Do dumb things in the evening, like play charades or cards.

Green Tortoise has a Northern Pioneer tour that sounds like fun. Nothing like their Alaska Loop, but it would still be fun. And I want to go to Burning Man, too, but it's always about the time school starts. Or go tubeing up in the hill country. The Brazos and the San Marcos rivers are probably wonderful right now.

Of course the best vacation, hands down, would be a week in South Padre. Hell, a day in South Padre. The waves are calling my name.

I want to get away from Algebra, away from the Anthropologie rug that I don't like after all, and most of all away from the pressure of a perfect dressy date dress that will hang forlornly in my closet (once it's delivered).

Escape is a top priority. Must get away from myself, and away from work. I need other things right now -- I need my nose to sunburn, my eyes to crinkle with laughter, and my face to hurt from smiling.

(later)

Re-reading the poem, the stupid, stupid poem I sent last May. I've known for well over a year that it was probably the dumbest thing I've ever done in my life. Up until tonight I've read it and sighed over what could have been. Tonight, though, I flushed with shame. That stupid poem must be the single most uncomfortable thing anyone has ever sent him. I hope to gods he never finished reading it. That he deleted it after the first few sentences, or better yet never even noticed the attachment.

I guess I'm really past him now. Used to fool myself that the poem was something he treasured in private, but now I know it's something that makes him barf. I guess that's progress of a sort.