The Dreaming Season

Fall is right around the corner -- it must be, despite the heat. I know because I'm dreaming again. For as long as I can remember I've had especially vivid dreams in September, October, and early November. Last night I dreamed I was in a dime store and found a VCR tape. It was an unusual tape -- sort of a cross between Star Trek and Saturday Night Live, featuring the comedy of a total stranger named Judy Blythe. Then I dreamed I was having a conversation about dreams. I told the man in the ice-cream truck about how I would dream I was the ocean trapped inside a house. Don't think I've ever really had that dream, but it sounds interesting. And what is that all about, dreaming about talking about dreaming??

School is driving me to distraction. I knew this would be a busy semester, but I suddenly have six class preparations:

• 3D Animation
• Game Design
• Flash I (two sections!)
• Flash II
• Page Design II
• ASP.NET (DR's solo class to make up for the awfulness of MI)

I'm serving on three committees, including a District committee I'm chairing. And coordinating two programs. Finally, to top it all off, MH persuaded me I should sit in C++ as a student.

No, wait -- that isn't all. I've also asked my dean if I could have charge of the LAMP program (Linux/Apache/MySQL/PHP) if the instructor who currently runs it does indeed decide to transfer to another college. If that happens I'll be truely fried. While this program is a great fit for my existing program I'm seriously handicapped. I know exactly three things about Linux -- it's an operating system, it's a derrivitave of UNIX, and it's open source.

I did run an Apache server as part of a class in college, but that was seven years ago.

Heck, all I'm really interested in is the MySQL/PHP angle, but I think I'll have to take on the whole ball of wax.

This is going to be an incredibly difficult semester. I'm already feeling it -- my newest paperback novel took me two weeks to finish. Imagine, at that rate I'll only read eight books all semester. That's way down from the 45+ I polished off this summer.

I've been loafing too long, though. It's time to mix it up again. Screw love, screw weight loss. Bring on tech-tech-techy.

Angles on the Truth

Vacation was wonderful. Absolutely the breath of air I needed. We spent four days concentrating on pure fun, and NO time moping over jobs, men, or anything else unpleasant.

I could write all about it, and post a ton of pictures of my niece and nephews, but I'm not going to. After all, a blog is just a prolonged exercise in personal vanity, so let's get right to the point and talk about ME.

Snapped some quick self-portraits while walking from the beach to the hotel.

The camera is bringing my self-image problem into sharp focus.



This is the me I see every time I look into a mirror; vacation sunburn aside. Overweight, sure, but still pretty. Mildly intriguing. This woman looks like she's actually thinking, maybe about to say something. And check out the hair! Depending on your jollies it could be saying "I'm an outdoor girl who doesn't mind the wind" (8% true) or "I just had amazing sex." (negative 35% true)

It's a great photo. I like it enough to use in e-dating. Trouble is that it's ONE shot out of about twenty. The others weren't nearly as good.



Gods, what if people actually see me like this???? Big face, tiny eyes, shapeless dead-end hair, too foolish to wear sunscreen, strange crescent-shaped areas by nose, character-less eyebrows, thin lips, big yellow teeth, bad skin. I could be a character on Hee-Haw.

So which of these two people do my co-workers see? What about my boss? My students? My family? Interesting-looking men?

I'd love to generalize and say everyone takes good photos and bad photos. I could say these showed (shudder) the extremes of my "appearance range." I could maybe do that if I hadn't taken them about two minutes apart. I can't change that much in two minutes, can I?

And to complicate matters the only photos of myself that I ever liked have been taken by one person.

Me.

And I'm pretty damn good with a camera. Maybe I'm cheating somehow. It seems a little strange that no one else can catch this elusive Sharon on film.

So -- what if I post the good photo? Is that deceptive? Am I helping the poor guy set false expectations? Or am I overestimating the power of the first photo to begin with?

It seems like a minor thing, but at the heart it's all about expectations, truth, trust, honesty, coercion, and a host of ugly ethical thorny issues I should just leave alone.

The truth (OK, a truth) is that I have an overwhelming need to fall ethically in love. And don't ask me what that means, because I'm not totally sure myself. And what kind of freaking nonsense is that, when love is possibly the biggest lie of all? And why should a cynic even consider falling madly in love with anyone anyway?

Internet Video On Demand

I've been playing with Internet Video OnDemand services. There seem to be three leading services -- MovieLink, CinemaNow, and Starz.

Overall the services have one huge drawback: selection. It's like comparing your local Blockbuster to the huge NetFlix catalog. Only one of the services (CinemaNow) has television, but they've limited their selection to classics and reality. How dull. No Roswell. No Twin Peaks. No X-Files.

Price varies. Newly-released high-quality rentals from MovieLink can run at much as $5.49, which is a little rich for my blood. CinemaNow is cheaper, but I can't really comment on their service because I could never get it to work for me. Just kept getting error messages. The best bargain by far is Starz, which uses a monthly rate scheme instead of a per-rental scheme. For about $13 a month I can download unlimited rentals from Starz, and watch them on up to three PCs. Wow.

For quality -- MovieLink's EQ (Enhanced Quality) movies are OK, I can watch them without much pain unless I'm watching something very visually beautiful, like, say, Dances with Wolves. Starz quality isn't as great, but for that price I'm probably going to live with it.

MovieLink and Starz made downloading pretty easy. Starz does require the RealOne player, which I really don't like, but I'm living with it. MovieLink can use either Windows Media Player or RealPlayer.

In Starz I can queue downloads and schedule a download time, which is a nice feature. I downloaded a lot of children's movies last night in for vacation.

It is possible to slave your laptop to your TV and watch everything on the big screen, but since my TV is still in my closet I didn't try this.

Starz has a whopping wonderful free 14-day trial. If you have a decent broadband connection do yourself a favor and try it out.

Friday Night Blues

My date, in case anyone is curious, was indescribably boring.

All my fault -- I'm bad company this evening. The ongoing situation with DR and MI is coming to a head, and I don't want to deal with it. I've made a written evaluation of MI's grading process, and am now stepping out of the picture. My dean will handle the next phase.

I emailed MI, asking him to talk to the dean. MI called me instead to discuss the situation. Blast it, I'm tired of discussing!! I've tried and tried and tried to mediate this, and it isn't freaking happening. My efforts aren't paying off, so it's more than time for me to step out of the picture and let C. take over. I told MI to call C., that I had removed myself from the situation. Felt a little rush of revenge-fueled joy when I hung up the phone. MI has robbed me of so much peace this summer. It felt great to just not deal. To postpone everything, leaving it unattended and un-fussed-over for the weekend.

So the date went south pretty quickly. At least the food made it to the table quickly. I apologized for my mood, told him a little about the situation, and then listened to him natter about some sports thing I found totally incomprehensible. We split the check and went our separate ways.

Now I'm back home, doing laundry, watching Hitch, and looking in vain for a corkscrew. Back to my normal existence.

Packing Blues

I know I have sunscreen around here somewhere. I bought three tubes at the start of the summer, but now I can't find any of it. I also have another (more flattering) swimsuit somewhere, and a set of stainless-steel tools designed for sandcastle-building. I've been rushing around town scoping out all the clearance bins, buying beach shoes and sand toys at half price.

My niece knows about the trip (big ears) but my oldest nephew is still in the dark.

I can't wait. I'll be so busy playing I won't have time to be cranky, or work on my classes, or to keep regretting what I said to R, or to obsess over paint colors.

I need this. I need the waves. When I sleep I need to dream that with each breath I can feel the waves picking me up, and setting me back down on the gulf floor. I want to smell that half-rotted sea smell, and have sand get freaking everywhere. I need fish to nibble at my knees, and I need for my sunburnt face to match my hair. I need to make sand castles, and eat ice cream. I want to chase hermit crabs in the moonlight, gather sea shells, and sing to the ocean in the dawn. I want my hair to tangle and fly away from my head when the wind blows, and I want to sit under the filtered light of an umbrella combing it out while inhaling the scent of salt and sunscreen. I want to cook s'mores on the beach at sunset while listening to the gulls and watching the sun slide into the water. I want to leave all my makeup and jewelry and heels and technology, forsaking all my fashion for a pair of yesterday's paint-splattered denim shorts, a damp swimsuit, and a pair of tacky neoprene shoes. I want to eat seafood on the jetty while watching the shrimp boats come in.

I want the peace of the place to fill me, and most of all I want to bring some of it back with me to enrich my life here.

Gods, I need this.

Redesign Blues

Latest attempt at a logo for this site. Getting better, but still not happy with results.

New Photos

Here is a decent photo of the foam core in one shelf of the bookcase -- a big improvement over the bead board. And check out the $7 pillows from Pier One!



And here is a Photoshoped-together picture of the window treatments. It's bad, but it gives a better idea of how they look in daylight. Click for a larger view, especially of the blue-patterned paper that didn't make the cut. That large circular thing is my oversized Adesso floor lamp.



Still working on the baseboards in the bedroom, and tomorrow I'm going to purchase crown molding. Also planning VACATION!!!! South Padre, here I come!

Biases in Online Dating

I have another e-date next week. Just checked my mail and found out about it. I think this one will go a little better -- took more time to get to know the guy and ask all the right questions. But I'm still very worried about what he'll think when he sees me for the first time. He's had three weeks to dream up false expectations.

This whole e-dating thing favors two types of people -- the photogenic (not me) and the articulate. Happily I'm pretty damn articulate. Wrote my current ad while under the influence of two margarita-flavored wine coolers, and I really like the results. Took some risks, and tried to let the words define all my intangibles, like my love of words and my general to-hell-with-it attitude. Don't want to paste the entire thing in here (starting to be leery of Googlestalking -- my life is too visible online) but I did say I have a love/hate relationship with deadlines and milkshakes, and that I kiss like a sip of amaretto -- whatever that means.

Anyway, this new ad drew responses in spades. I'm having to actually pick and choose who to answer.

I know I'll meet someone. I just have to force myself to go out on enough bad dates to find that good date.

Steppin' Out

NOT sitting at home this weekend, thank goodness! Absolutely desperate for something to do. Thought about going fishing, but I'm not sure where to fish, and even less sure I'd find a friend willing to bait my hook.

Thankfully the neighbors are out of town, and told me I could have their newspaper if I picked up all their mail. Found out the Dallas Video Festival is under way, so I invited R. to go with me. He's only willing to go for a short time on Saturday (unless he starts enjoying himself, which he doesn't sound too sure of), but if I enjoy it I'll head back alone on Sunday. I'll enjoy the films, but also see if I can pick up any phone numbers.

In a fashion dilemma -- bought a denim skirt and a shirt.




Planning to wear the shirt as a jacket, and underneath wear one of these two tops:




The first one is a black body-hugging rib knit that actually fits best, but looks as conservative and flavorless as everything else I own. The bottom one is FUN, but the neckline is a little lower than I'd like. I can't make up my mind. Well-heeled and flavorless, or a touch slutty but fun? (The neckline is certainly slutty -- it's too low to earn a mere "flirtatious" rating.) And can a redhead ever really be flavorless??

I guess I could possibly wear both -- one on Saturday and one on Sunday -- but that would deny me the fun of shopping Saturday night. Will have to think about this.

Treating dressing for the event as a dating dry run. I'm doing my nails and my hair, and even bought a teeth-whitening kit.

Timing Is Everything

Funny how quiet an epiphany can be. You'd think such an event would announce itself loudly, boldly. Anything that shakes up your entire life should be noticeable.

Sometimes, though, epiphanies sneak up between one breath and the next. One moment your life is one thing, and the next moment you're drifting off on a new course, following a novel, exciting scent floating in the breeze. But it's such a quiet moment that the person sitting across the table from you never notices. And you can't announce it -- "Hey, my life just changed!" -- without making people uncomfortable.

A door is closing, and something I dearly treasure is pretty much leaving my life. And I'm letting it. I'm tired of being bullheaded and resistant. Tired of digging in my heels and fighting for what I feel is best and damn Reality and Fate for thinking otherwise. Tired of all the endless solitary effort.

So I'm not fighting any more. I'm going to loose. I'm giving up. I'm failing.

Not easy words to say. But tonight I like the sound. I've lost that bird in the hand, I'm going to sleep late and miss the worm, and I'm going to skip having an apple tomorrow, too. No more prevention, no more planning, no more fuss. Nothing to fear -- I've already lost.

The shock of change has left me restless. I wish it was tomorrow. I'm ready to start something new.