Langston Hughes on My Mind

Trying to lift my spirits by doing highly impractical things. Tonight, for instance, I came home from work and dressed for dinner. I'm sitting all alone in my living room now, in a nice dress and heels, accessorized by a silver necklace and red lipstick spiked with glitter. (Yes, really -- glitter.)



I was going to cook and eat dinner by candlelight, but I forgot to go grocery shopping and now I look too silly to leave the house. Guess I'll mourn the death of my latest crush with a pizza, like I really need it.

Self-portraiture is without a doubt the most vain, pathetic indulgence in my arsenal. I don't post many photos, but I take them all the damn time. I'll pick up my camera, and shoot and shoot and shoot and shoot until I get a single shot that looks like the person I want to be -- vivacious and confident -- instead of the person I am. (Rejected.)

At least digital photography has made my vanity cheap. When I was a photography major I couldn't afford this indulgence.

Ultimate Wishlist

Playing when I should be working-working-working. I have a heavy Flash lecture tomorrow, but I'm too busy playing to actually prepare the lecture.

Latest time-wasting triviality is the Google wish list, which I use mainly as a "where did I see that?" list, and as a birthday/Christmas reminder for my family.

It's overall a nice feature, except I can't find everything I want. Here, for example, is my list of "Top 10 Things I Can't Find On Froogle."


10. New waistline
9. Better communication skills
8. Renewed passion for programming and technology
7. More time and energy to improve teaching skills
6. An extra-large dose of Self-confidence
5. More willpower
4. Grace under pressure
3. Ability to adhere to deadlines and schedules and clocks and calendars
2. Ability to draw
and the number one item I can't find on Froogle . . .
1. A date for this weekend

New Furniture

How, tell me please, how can a person GAIN a pound and a half eating salads and turkey sandwiches? I've been so good!! I've been doing Curves three times a week, and Monday I walked a mile and a half around the lake. All for nothing. I almost threw my scale out the window in disgust.

Spent the afternoon traveling from Target to Target to find enough of the door beads to dress my window. It's going to be a pretty expensive window treatment after all, more than curtains and a curtain rod would run. The beads are $13 per set, and I need (I think) six sets for a total of $72. Then I had to but two spring tension rods and some fishing line, say another $5.

Tonight I'm going to break down more of the bead sets. There are several strands of beads in each package, but each strand is a whopping 72 inches long. I'm have to cut the sets in half, and then string fishing line from each newly-cropped strand in order to suspend it from the fishing line. If I've over-estimated the number of sets needed I can take the extras back on Thursday.

After dinner tonight I went into the Pier One outlet, fully prepared to walk out empty-handed. I usually don't like their stuff; it's a little too traditional for my taste. Tonight, though, the had several well-made wooden bar stools for $35 each. I need barstools, so I bought a set even though they aren't exactly what I want. (Exactly what I want would total $816, a little over budget.) These are very sturdy, and large enough for me to sit comfortably on.

I'm looking at the stools again, and I just had a thought. If I cut off the backs they'd look pretty cool! I know this is crazy -- who runs out and buys barstools only to go at them with a saber saw? (Or maybe I should use a hack saw of a chain saw or a jig saw. Not my area! Must research!!)



Yeah, cut the backs off and just add large cushions on top. Yeah. Now how can I keep the cushions from sliding off??

This is going to be good.

Not so depressed about weight any longer -- design is way more interesting than melodrama.

Beautiful Day

Spent the morning working on my window, switching out treatments and debating endlessly, sending JPEGs to every female I could think of, soliciting opinions. Remember, both are INCOMPLETE at present.




Most people like Window A better, even though I only have a few strands on the window. It's just funkier, and more in keeping with my style. I'm not really a fringe-and-embroidery girl.

So now the hard part. I have to find four more sets of these door beads, and Target is starting to mark them down and clear them out. The Target website says they'll be available in four to six weeks, which translates to NEVER. And tomorrow is one of my fourteen-hour school days, so I don't have time to visit every Target locally. I might sneak out about 2:00 and eat lunch at On The Border, and try the Target next door, but I'm not hoping for too much.

I tried going to Target today, but it's a holiday. Ended up eating at Soupper Salad, reading The Sex Lives of Cannibals which is moderately funny and so far without sex, and I'm on Chapter Six. (damn.)

After lunch I got in the car, turned on the radio, and started driving a little too fast down Beltline, enjoying the sun on my face and Lenny Kravitz in my ears. I was singing at the top of my hideous voice, and decided to drive up Beltline until the radio played a commercial, just for the hell of it, and I made it all the way to Coppell.

Finally reluctantly turned around, came home and made a mix CD. My CDs are almost always thematic, and I decided for once not to have a theme, and I found myself discarding songs because they were all about something, so I ended up with a bunch of songs about nothing. Gee, another theme.

Here are my Songs About Nothing:

1. Everyday is a Winding Road (Sheryl Crow)


2. Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (Beatles)


3. Axel F Theme (Harold Faultymeyer)


4. Money for Nothin' (I want my MTV) (Dire Straits)


5. Tom's Diner (Suzanne Vega)


6. All I Wanna Do (Sheryl Crow)


7. Walk Like and Egyptian (Bangles)


8. Que Sera Sera (Pink Martini)


9. Hand in my Pocket (Alanis Morissette)


10. Soak Up The Sun (Sheryl Crow)


11. Apple Pie Dowdy (Ella Fitzgerald)


12. Everybody be Yourself (Chic Street Man)


13. Green Onions (Ventures)


14. Pink Moon (Nick Drake)


15. A Pirate's Life for Me (Disney)

It's a little Crow-ish, isn't it? Might have to reconsider the mix.

OK, some of the songs might actually be about something. My criteria is that I have to KNOW they're about something. I love Nick Drake, but honestly, what is he saying??!!??

Other contenders left off for lack of space, like classic Don't Worry Be Happy, and Sleepwalk, and the ever-cool Men In Black Animated Series Theme. (Go ahead and laugh -- you don't know what you're missing!!)

I should spend this evening working, but I don't know if I can talk myself into it. I wanna be lazy. I want to order in, and maybe even watch a DVD. School starts tomorrow at 8:00 AM, and I'm suffering from Spring Fever.

Yes, I ~~~~AM~~~~ Fabulous, Thank You

Took a quiz, and discovered that I am the perfect girlfriend.

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're the kind of chick that can hang out with your boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't care about presents or about going to fancy placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy being around your boyfriend. What Kind of Girlfriend Are You? brought to you by Quizilla

Silly, but a little scary, too, seeing what I've been reading and how I've been feeling lately.

Wanna be in my life? Want me to give my heart to you, all wrapped up in pretty paper with a nice bow? Here it is -- the secret to my heart, EXACTLY as described in the 'perfect girlfriend' text above. It's simple, it's painless, it pays back in loyalty, fun, and sex, and it constantly amazes me how many men screw it up.

(It's the secret to most people's hearts, but sometimes it's worth repeating the obvious. Take it from someone whose career often involves repeating herself three or four times in twenty minutes!)

It isn't about expensive dead flowers, or chocolate, or jewelry. I personally don't need constant compliments -- what are Internet tests for anyway? (Thanks, Quizilla, for letting me laugh at myself and boosting my ego at the same time!!) Restaurants do play a part in this, but since I eat out for almost every meal I'm not sure that really counts.

The BIG secret: Make me part of your life. Hang out with me. Clean house with me. Go out of town with me. Make me feel indispensable, and needed, and wanted. Call me to tell me a joke, or to hear my voice, or (best!) just to let me know you're thinking about me.

Just don't leave me alone, out here in this damn cold rain.

I Hate Being Alone (Right Now)

Spent the early afternoon reading a stupid book. Like writers for Sex and the City know anything about my life. I actually wrote a post agreeing with the book, and deleted it about five seconds ago in a fit of self-disgust. I swore I'd never delete a post, but in light of my recent decision to burn all my college and high-school diaries I don't think one little deleted post is that big a deal.

Diary-burning, incidentally, is a bad move. When they're locked in a trunk you can just dust them off occasionally. No pain. But once you decide to permanently get rid of them you suddenly develop an overwhelming desire to read them again, just to be sure you're making the right choice.

That's what I've been doing all week. Reading about my past. About all the failed crushes, failed dreams, and failed plans. About all the hurt and pain and agony. Every stupid super-obsessive what-is-the-guy-thinking thought that ever passed through my troubled brain. (After all, what is a diary for?) All the passion and energy and projects I spent, and in retrospect how little they all mean to me now. Not the best way to spend a week.

I'm obviously in the middle of a slump right now, and it's worse than usual because my usual outlet -- food -- is forbidden due to this damn diet. And I also took a vow not to write in my personal journal this week because I knew I was getting too obsessive, so instead I poured out my stream-of-consciousness nonsense out here, where anyone could read it.

I can't eat, I can't write, I can't drink (diet again). I don't want to sing -- I seem to constantly choose sad songs. I can't go outside because it's raining. I can't do a workout tape because I loaned out my VCR. I'm out of books, and I've already spent my book budget this month. All my friends are married, and think my singleton problems are a little juvenile. And I absolutely refuse to cry.

Yes, my life is nothing like I thought it would be. Yes, I'm in a career I had no intention of ever pursuing. Yes, I'm living very much alone, unless you count the damn cats, and I don't even like cats.

None of this is really bad, right? I'm in a slump. I've been in slumps before. I'll get over it. I'll get back to the point where I like coming home to a blissfully silent house. Where I'll like going out for groceries at 1:00 AM. Where I eat what I want. Where I paint my walls metallic silver and peacock blue. I'll get back to that place, once Spring really rolls around.

It wasn't really me making that idiot post. It was the damn cold rain.

On to other (happier) things --

Braved the rain and went to Target this evening and bought two sets of curtains for the study. I can't decide which set want to hang. One set is made up of colored plastic discs in purple, green, and blue. The other set is officially a bed canopy, but if I turn it sideways it should be long enough to serve as cafe curtains. This second set is purple gauze with purple embroidery and a few sequins. (Yes, I'm shopping in the teenage department again!)

Also bought several little galvanized flower pots ($1 each!) to serve as pencil cups. I think they'll be very successful, much more successful than the silverware caddy I was using.

The studio is still a mess. I haven't worked with it much because all the cold weather comes right through the cat door. Later I might turn on the space heater and try to get something accomplished.

Right now, though, it's 9:00 PM and I'm getting hungry. Think I'll actually cook for a change. Cheese tortellini, a salad, and some garlic bread, with ever-appetizing water. Have to cook NOW, before I break my (very successful) diet and order a freaking pizza.

A Working Studio

The studio is progressing. I stayed up until about 4:00 AM working on it, since today is the Good Friday holiday. Just rolled out of bed about half an hour ago. I think I'll *try* to finish it today. Right now there are boxes everywhere. I'm going to go to Home Depot and buy a little more paint for touch-up, right after I hit Soupper Salad. Absolutely starving. Pictures coming later!

(much later)

I've spent the entire day half-heartedly working on the studio, and it isn't finished yet. Every time I leave the room and venture into other parts of the house I find more freaking arts and crafts supplies. I'm drowning in crafty crap.

I'm starting to think the amount of supplies a person owns is inversely proportional to their actual talent.


As I said, inversley . . . .

proportional.

In the beginning I tried to organize chaos as I went along, but by dinner I figured out just how stupid that was. Now I'm just trying to FIND ROOM, to hell with ever finding any particular item again.

Part of the problem is identifying what I actually use, and what I can afford to store in the closet. It's been so long since I've done anything creative that on the surface it looks like EVERYTHING could be stored in the closet, which isn't helping matters any.

I wanted a specific area for paper work, and a specific area for eggs. Ain't happening. It would just take too long. Maybe later (like next year) I can re-think the space and organize all my boxes and bins.

My tabouret, which has always held my most-used supplies, won't fit under the counter. I mis-measured by a quarter of an inch. It could probably be stored up against a wall, but the only wall I have left was going to be for a guest chair. I don't know why this has me so bummed -- it's not like I ever have guests anyway.

Today, temporarily, I wished the twins weren't married. They are so good at organizing and arranging, especially C. I'm no good by myself. I get depressed by the amount of work involved, and start reading books instead. I need someone to talk to so I can keep on task. This kind of hell is much more bearable with a decent conversation. Days like this are when I miss my past the most -- back when I had a whole roster of friends I could call, friends who would pitch in just for a good conversation. And to get me in their debt, of course. Friendships aren't anything without all the "owe yous."

The Problem with Web Apps

I had a nice long-ish post here. I was going to talk about loosing six pounds, about the concrete floor, and about my mishaps painting a common bookcase. But the browser died in mid-ramble, so my post died too. I wish Blogger would find a way to 'auto-save' my posts as drafts! Once I'm finished I could come back and 'officially' post them with the click of a button.

Merlot by Moonlight

I've had a horrible day, absolutely horrible. After class is over (at 10:00 PM) I think I'll go home and make an egg sandwich, open that bottle of merlot I've been saving, and sit under the stars and cry my heart out. That or read the latest novel in the side-splitting Southern Vampire series. I haven't quite decided which will help me fall asleep fastest and most solidly.

I spent yesterday evening working on the studio, or more appropriately the studio closet. I've moved in several shelves, but still have some empty space to contend with. At least the counters are in. It's a step in the right direction.



(later)

I was actually crying, crying and struggling to open the damn merlot, when something rushed past my head. I thought it was a large insect, but it turned out to be a bird. A bird, flying loose in my house. I managed to get one halfway good photo of it perched on a lampshade before it finally figured out all the doors and windows in the house had been opened to speed its escape. The cats were disappointed, but took the loss well.



The bird made me feel better. It was an adventure of sorts, running around the house waving a broom over my head. Plus the bird was in a bad situation but managed to escape with a little help. It's an encouraging example for me to follow.

Trashing the Past

I'm at my parent's house, cleaning out the last of my bedroom. The only items remaining are boxes containing my Easy-Bake collection and my child's doctor/nurse collection.

Deciding what to do with these items is very difficult. I don't really want the medical kit collection any longer, but most of the kits were from the 30s, 40s, and 50s. I have several that have real value, like my 60s GI Joe Nurse Kit, and the kit based on the Dionne Quints' doctor. Not to mention my Love Boat Medical Kit, or my Battlestar Galactica medical kit, or my Star Trek medical scanners. Oh, and my Dr. Kildare stethoscpe, and all my Ben Casey stuff. I don't have room for these in my life (or in my house) but it's financially irresponsible to throw them away.

The Easy-Bake stuff is even harder to part with. I really like all the little pans and ovens. I especially love the large variety of mix sets, and utensils, and gimmicks Kenner and Hasbro used to push the line to an unsuspecting crop if girls (and boys!) every year. These sets were so much fun when I was a kid. There is nothing like decorating cakes, even today. Kitchen creativity gone wild!! Anyway, I've spent a small fortune on Easy-Bake, most of it on fairly recent ovens and accessories that no one but me wants. It would be very difficult to resell most of these items.

I don't want to throw them out, but I don't want to risk bringing them to my house and becomming a collector again. I don't want to spend hours in front of eBay, and I don't want to spend all my money on a pointless hobby. I don't want my home to be like my mother's, where every corner is cram-packed with collectibles. I want space to breathe, and space to live. Space to rest the eyes.

So I know what I need to do -- toss everything in the trash -- but I can't bring myself to do it. I'll probably have to get Dad to do it while my back is turned.

It's SPRING Break, right?

Cold weather has got me running for cover, literally. I just HATE being cold! I've spent the day in bed under a layer of blankets reading books, alternating with hot showers and hotter chocolate. All this dullsville activity when I should be doing something, anything!! Going more than a little stir crazy. I want to be up, and awake, and working, but my hands get frozen when I approach the keyboard. Yes, I could turn up the heat, but then I get a headache thinking about the gas bill. It's a no-win situation. Now it's 9:59 PM, and I'm starting to get hungry. I didn't go to the store this afternoon because it was too cold, so now I'll have to go tonight when it's even colder. Smart, huh? Maybe, as long as I'm out, I'll drive to Boston's for dinner. Gods, I just don't know. I spent too much money this week already, and it's only Wednesday. But I'm cold, and I'm feeling ignored, and all I've had to eat today is a damn Zone bar, so I can more than afford the calorie hit wait that isn't true I did drive out to Subway for lunch but then I came home instead of grocery shopping since it's TOO DAMN COLD.

I want to go back to work. I KNOW it's Break, but it's too damn cold to enjoy being on Break. Anything would be better than shivering in my bed all day. At least it's warm in my office. And if it isn't warm I have two sweaters and my best pair of slippers in my bottom file cabinet drawer.

Maybe if I had a really good book. One of the books I picked up at Half-Price was sensational, but the others are all ho-hum. I do have Neal Stephenson's System of the World but I don't have the brain power to manage it now. It's just too brilliant, and I'm entirely too lackluster.

That does it. Getting dressed, and going for pizza.

Waiting to See The Light

Still fretting about window treatments. Those fluorescent panels aren't going to work at all. I did find a large sheet of plexi R. had left behind, so I'm considering taking it to Dad tonight so he can cut it to the sizes I need. I wish I liked curtains more -- this would all be so easy with curtains. And so cheap!!

Had lunch at Soupper Salad, where I've found myself eating too often of late. I usually eat a late-ish dinner there at least once a week, sitting in the back of the restaurant with a book. I was there last night, and here I am back for lunch today. At least this time I had company -- my Mom, and niece and nephew R and R. I'm not going back until Thursday night. Promise.

Mom stopped by the house to look at the newly-incarnated living room. I think she was a little surprised at how well everything works. We played "switch the picture" a few times, trying every painting I own over the fireplace, but nothing really works. I need something long, and I just don't have anything.

Maybe I'll go hit the Goodwill and see what they have, or maybe go to Texas Thrift. Bored out of my mind right now, might as well go shopping. It's that or clean the kitchen.

I Can See Clearly Now . . .

. . . that I've removed the awful fabric off my living room windows. I'm about to make a window treatment that will hopefully let in light, preserve my privacy, and NOT involve yards and yards of dust-gathering fabric.

My basic idea was to make pseudo-stained-glass windows using tissue paper and Plexiglas, but then I priced plexi and realized I'd have to spend almost $40 for the plexi alone. I kept walking around (and around and around) Home Depot, and finally found some plastic sheets that are meant to go in fluorescent light fixtures. They only cost $4.18 for a 2x4' sheet, which is MUCH more budget-conscious. A quick trip to Target netted me some tissue paper. Now all I need is some liquid starch, which I just realized I forgot to buy. Tom Thumb, here I come.

New Digs

Sitting in my "new" living room, the one without the bed in the center of the floor. I've cleaned and re-arranged the space. The furniture isn't my "ideal" furniture, but I'm quickly coming to terms with the old saying "nothing is as permanent as a temporary situation."

Tomorrow, in daylight, I'm going to pull all the decorative items I've been saving out of the closet and see if I can't pull the room together. Right now it just isn't clicking.

I've got a HUGE space along one wall. I don't want to be one of those people who has furniture crammed in within an inch of its life, marching endlessly around the room's perimeter, but this space is pretty large. I might have to re-think my furniture layout AGAIN. Mom said she would come over, which would be nice. Between the two of us I'm sure we can come up with something.

My goal for tomorrow is to do something about the windows in the living room. I have half an idea in my head, and a trip to Target and Home Depot should let me know if it's possible. If not there are some adorable curtains at Urban Outfitters.

If things go well I might even pull the TV out of the closet. Maybe. If I can find someone to carry the damn thing. yesterday I joked I was going to watch a DVD in the closet and Mom laughingly announced I had my own TV room.

Countertops Almost Ready

Today Dad tried to install my studio counters, but discovered I can't measure worth a damn. One is an inch and a quarter off, and the other is about a quarter-inch off. The quarter-inch one will be pretty easy -- Dad will chip into the door frame a little and everything will be fixed. The other one will be a little harder, but I'm sure he can get it to work. I should be moved into the studio by next Sunday.

I've spent the afternoon cleaning the living room so I can re-arrange the furniture. My goal is to get my "bed" moved into the study so it's out my guest's sight. Plus I'd like to have at least one room in the house I can invite people into without apologizing.

Spring Fever

Spring Break is a week away, and I don't think I've ever needed a vacation this badly in my entire life. I feel out-of-order, unwanted, and permanently ugly. I can use Spring Break to start putting my house back together, and hopefully my life will follow to at least resume a semblance of normal.

My parents have been cleaning my bedroom in their house, and have carried about twenty boxes of stuff downstairs. Today after lab I think I'll go over and go through the boxes, so I'm not moving a bunch of excess stuff from one house to another. I have next Tuesday off, and I think I'll buy my own boxes to box up what is left of R's stuff. Then over the break I can cart it all to her house, and be done with it.

The next order of business is to get F. to finish moving her things out, and then call the Salvation Army to get the rest of R's stuff in the garage. I also have a floor to sand, and countertops to install, and a window to paint.

If I keep busy enough maybe I can ignore the disappointed taste souring my mouth.

Difficult Evening

I've had an awfully dismal day, and it looks like tonight will be worse. I just can't get anything accomplished. My mind won't leave me alone. I want to be somewhere else, doing something else. I need a mini-vacation, a shot of happiness. I feel like I have a nagging splinter, or a paper cut or something. I'm more than a little stir crazy, and more than a little upset. I need some clarity and some laughter. It's so bad I even made a list. Some of it involves another person, but I can at least do the non-partner stuff. It's enough to remind me why I'm alive, right?

• Find a grassy hill and roll down it. Repeat until breathless.


• Do the whole Shakespeare in the Park thing


• Get a new hair style, a new dress, new heels, new nails, and go see anything Steven Sondheim.


• Play with someone who knows how to make a simple board game into an experience. Someone who knows how to carry a grudge while laughing, how to cheat and when to 'fess up, and how to drink a bottle of wine without spilling it all over the Monopoly money.


• Visit the large half-price books and buy too many books, and read them in a park while lunching on Subway sandwiches. At least one book has to be silly-season stuff -- palm reading, or 101 uses for a salad shooter, or maybe that Manual of Bombshell Style I've been eyeing.


• Do something silly with food. Maybe buy graham crackers and cream cheese frosting to make mini gingerbread houses complete with decorations, or make mini homemade pizzas, or at the very least find a use for that bottle of chocolate sauce in my fridge.


• Go shopping and pretend to be either an alien or a spy tailing a foreign national. Eat while pretending everyone at nearby tables is trying to kill me. Whisper to the waiter.


• Take my niece and nephew to Chuck E Cheese and play video games until my head explodes from LEDs and caffeine. With any luck they'll have a Centipede.


• Take my niece and nephew to play miniature golf.


• Leave Thursday night for the casinos in Oklahoma and gamble all night. Drive back to Dallas in the early morning hours, and barely make it to school for my 8:00 AM Friday class. Teach for two hours, eat a huge breakfast at Denny's, then sleep all weekend.


• Go downtown and visit the dollhouse museum.


• Find someone who realizes kissing does not always lead to sex, and make out all afternoon while listening to Gipsy Kings, Barry White, and Chris Whitley.


• Visit the Ft. Worth museums again, or maybe the DMA. I could say 'hi' to my favorite painting, and to my favorite furniture.


• Go to San Antonio and visit the Circus Museum again, and maybe fit in the folk art museum this time


• Find an outdoor festival and get my face painted, my fortune told, eat turkey legs and caramel apples, and dance


• Find a good band and go out dancing. An especially scary suggestion since I can't dance.

I can at least do Sondheim, if I can work up enough nerve to drive over to Richland by myself. They're performing Into the Woods this weekend. I'd prefer Sweeny Todd but I'll take what I can get.

(10:30 PM)

Decided if I'm resorting to list-making then things are worse than I thought. Took matters into my own hands and painted my face using watercolor crayons. I'm missing the fortune telling, caramel apples, and dancing, but this isn't bad. I painted it three times before I decided to take a few photos. I can't believe I'm even posting the stupid things, but it's not like anyone reads this nonsense anyway. I don't know why I even keep an on-paper journal anymore -- I could blab my aching heart out right here and no one would be the wiser.