Blogging and Purging

Spent part of the evening removing emotional binges from my blog in a halfhearted attempt to find "closure," whatever that means, after weeks of not seeing him. In my decidedly limited experience closure is just another chance to make a fool of yourself, as I've done all too often the past few years. Closure is another opportunity to cry in public, ask pointlessly embarrassing questions, and to have someone you want to be with want nothing more than to vacate your presence. And why would I want to try to have a serious conversation yet again, knowing he'll just change the subject? I'm a blithering idiot, a fool half in love with a man who has never, ever, ever made a fool out of himself over me. That one fact tells me everything I need to know.

So from now on no more "harmless" dinners, no more stupid blog entries, no more attempts at a one-sided platonic friendship. It's over, and I'm going to see Matisse by myself, alone, tomorrow afternoon.