Yard Art

Checked my mail -- some asshole neighbor has reported me to the city for overhanging trees and for high grass. Furious. I can't afford to have anything done right now, and I physically can't do anything myself. It's just too hot, and I'm too out of shape. I'll have a heat stroke in about five minutes. And I have five fucking days to do something.

What assholes!!! I really thought I had good neighbors, but someone isn't even neighborly enough to talk about my yard. I had really cute plans for a courtyard with a xeriscape border, but screw that. I'm not about to pay someone to trim crappy bushes one month and then to come back rip them out completely in a few months when I'm financially flush and can afford removal instead of a haircut. I'm not paying for this twice.

So I have to switch gears and do something different. I think I'll re-image my front yard as a colorful cubist landscape.

I'm going to lop off the tops and the sides, of the bushes, making everything as square and orderly as I possibly can, and once those natural unwanted bush-like tendencies have been halted I'll spray-paint the entire hedge with metallic purple paint. (But only after lovingly laying a drop cloth over the sidewalk and street.) I think it will look wonderful.

I'll repeat for the tall grass and the overhanging trees, but will switch to a silver paint. Or maybe use a metallic blue for the grass and silver for the trees.

That, or I'll rip every last plant out of the yard, fill the yard with mulch (since I can't afford plants!) and then add row upon geometrically-spaced row of yard flamingos. I think 238 ought to be enough to fill the yard. I want it to look like a tree farm, only with flamingos instead of peaches.