Hellacious Morning, Work-Filled Evening

Christmas Eve was wonderful. The entire family was there, and we enjoyed every second. We had our classic "Christmas Breakfast" for dinner that night, and watched the kids unwrap all their toys. Charlotte made Lily a princess costume she had to try on the second she opened it. Ryan's remote controlled SUV was a big hit. So was Robin's CD player and electric keyboard. Russell still doesn't quite get it. He wandered around opening other people's presents and playing with all the toys. He was especially fascinated with Lily's Fisher-Price dollhouse.

I spent the night at Mom and Dad's, and late in the night I threw up dinner. Twice. Ugh. I don't think I can eat scrambled eggs ever again.

I spent Christmas in front of Parent's cable TV, watching the Trading Spaces marathon and eating saltine crackers. Ended up staying a second night so I could go to Brownwood with Mom and Dad so Mom could meet her sister J and go back J's house in Middle'O'Nowhere, TX. I didn't really want to go, but did at Mom's request to keep Dad company on the trip back. And to alleviate Mom's silly fears about his driving by being on hand to grab the steering wheel if he does something completely wrong. I really didn't think he would -- right now he's still OK, especially during the day -- but his reflexes weren't what they were, and he tailgates too damn much and hits the brakes too damn slowly. Plus I think he's forgotten what turn signals are for. Right now he's OK, but in a few years we'll have to intervene somehow, and I'm very worried about how we can do this without completely alienating him.

The drive out wasn't so bad. Mom spent most of the drive talking about how things were when we were kids. It was interesting, but it made me sad to think about how much time she spends doing just that -- talking about the past. Anyway, it was much more important to me to see Mom and Dad holding hands as we drove down the highway. I sat in the back of the truck, basking in the glow of their successful relationship.

On the way back it was just Dad and me. As we left the parking lot I tried to joke with Dad a little, mentioning I had told Mom not to worry about Dad, that we had a good supply of eggs and bologna in the house. (His standard meal when she's gone is a fried egg and bologna sandwich.) That's when the trip went to hell in a handbasket.

Dad started by suggesting Mom didn't really care about him at all. I couldn't figure out what he meant, so I countered by remarking she had bought him groceries, and had printed off all the phone numbers she could think of, just in case something happened. She cared. He started ranting, saying if she REALLY cared for him the house would be clean, he would have meals on the table.

Completely out of the blue, blindsides, unsuspecting . . . I didn't know what to do. I was shocked. All I could think of is how they were holding hands just a few hours ago.

I interrupted, and said something like how they both had grounds for complaint. I wanted to move onto another subject, but he continued "And the only reason she asked you on this trip is so--"

At that point I managed to say quite firmly that I didn't want to hear it. He said "FINE."

We didn't say another word for then entire trip, except for once when I tried to lighten the mood to make a joke only to have him glare resentfully at me, and once when he said he needed to use the bathroom.

My mind careened from one topic to another, and in truth it hasn't stopped yet.

Don't they know by now that I don't want to get involved in their disputes? Do they have any idea how much their arguments have poisoned my views? How dare he try to involve me! He was JUST HOLDING HER HAND, half an hour ago!!! What kind of lie is marriage, anyway? Ya know, marriage must be more lonely than single life, because in a marriage people buy into the whole soulmate deal, and when things aren't harmonious you don't just hurt for yourself but for your mate and for the third-party trinity aspect for the relationship, too. I am not a marriage counselor. What can I do to help? Should I tell him to see a marriage counselor, heaven knows they need it -- all the unresolved issues about the businesses, and now new conflict over Mom's unnegotiated retirement, plus the dilapidated house . . . GODS, they need counseling. They both have so much resentment built up! Problem is they won't acknowledge it. Plus neither one of them have any conflict resolution stragegies, so forcing them to express their resentment would have disastrous results. I cannot believe this. He's right, sorta, Mom should be pulling more weight, but I'm not about to tell him I think so. Mom is probably clinically depressed, and I think that needs to be treated before anything else. Why else would she fill her days with such pointless activity? She's never going to be able to fix their relationship until she fixes some of her self-image problems. So help me, though, she shouldn't spend her time housecleaning. What is this, the 50s? She needs a job, or at least a vocation, and they seriously need Merry Maids. Is all this resentment going to explode in my face in ten or fifteen years? Will I have to shuttle my elderly parents to a divorce attorney? I can't split myself in two -- where will they live? They'll need care, and if they're divorced they can't live together, which means one of them will have to move in with one of the twins' families, like the twins need all that extra stress. Or into a nursing home, and I just can't afford that. And neither can they. GODS, the drive down was so nice! Marriage is such a fucking lie. But is it a worthwhile lie? And can you resent a person that much and still love them? I don't think I could ever hold equal amounts of hate and love in my body like that, except I do have a lot of resentment about my parents, and I still manage to love them so maybe it is possible, if you can love hard enough while hormones have control of your body, and if you can hold off resentment until the person has grown roots in your life. That means marriage is nothing more than a lottery against time. Which is OK because I can't buy into the whole soulmate crap -- it sounds too much like a Vulcan mind meld, and just about as believable. There isn't one person for every person, what is it, like three out of five married people have committed adultery, plus people in the survey probably lied anyway?

SO not a nice trip home. I hightailed it to Irving as soon as possible.

Ten minutes after I hit the front door I was in the back bedroom painting the molding on the studio doors. I had to do something. My favorite placebo, spending money, isn't an option now that I'm on a budget. So I painted woodwork instead, trying unsuccessfully to calm myself down. At least I'm getting something done. I've got a nice long to-do list for tomorrow, so hopefully I can keep my mind QUIET, and my resentment under control, 'cause I'm sure as hell not going to make matters worse by throwing my issues and resentments in on top of Mom and Dad's problems. I don't need to tell them how I feel, right? That's what blogs are for, right? Hmmm . . . not hearing anything . . .